Respecting Boundaries

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In this new phase of life (for me) – filled with happiness, laughter, no-reason smiles, and an overjoyed heart… I’ve actually had a lot of time to think about how I feel… and why I feel the way I feel. What makes present day so… content? So happy?

Well for one I purged my life of all negativity and filth. But that’s not enough to bring random unintentional smiles to one’s lips.

I realized that I mindlessly smile a lot these days because I chose to also only surround myself with people who truly want me to be happy, who thrive off of my happiness… not my tears, and not off of what they can benefit from me. From negative relatives to leech-like friendships, from “going out of my way” favors to being a resource for people who don’t respect or deserve it… I cut all of this out… leaving only the inner most layer of relationships that matter.

But the most important thing that has made a world of a difference is that I am in the company of an amazing, vivacious, dedicated and loving person who chooses to focus all of his attention, emotion on me… only me… and in turn automatically causes me to focus all of mine on him. And it is such a breath of fresh air! Suddenly no one else, nothing else matters. Suddenly “love” makes sense. Suddenly I realize what this “no one else matters” really means… what it feels like.

Comparing this interaction to what I see around our little bubble… I realize what is key is respecting boundaries. The two of us… we respect boundaries. We respect each other… and because of that we learn and know what line is not ever ok to cross.

With this Dear Partner, I am so so grateful for you 🙏🏻

Now comes the Vent that actually has nothing to do with me (other than making me realize how good I have it… lol) —

Recently, I realized half the population doesn’t know how to respect those boundaries rightfully set in place by a relationship. These disgusting people, men and women alike, infest the earth, trying to infiltrate  someone else’s “good thing”. Literally… between acquaintance’s Facebook statuses and people I personally know/know of… I’m shocked by how easy it is to be in a perfectly healthy relationship and still try to catch the eye of another. Try to flirt with another, an ex, or cheat with a stranger… physically or emotionally.

Yes, no relationship is perfect… but as long as it isn’t toxic, or abusive… as long as your spouse respects you and puts in the effort… how can one be so blatantly disrespectful of boundaries. How can relationships be such free for all’s? Why even get into a relationship if you want everyone’s eyes and hands on you? You wanna have fun? Do it! Just not at the cost of someone else’s trust and happiness. Cause let’s be honest… if a relationship was really that nasty then you’d just get out of it instead of working on it. And yes… trust me… I know and do believe in special cases where a person is so unhappy… stuff happens…things go wrong… but those are not the situations I’m discussing. I’m talking about the unforgivable ones.

I’ve truly come across cases where a person is perfectly comfortable in their marriage even… wants to be with their spouse but also wants attention from several other people simultaneously. And I truthfully do not get that. At all. Leaving your partner in the dark while you engage in all kinds of sick behavior behind their back… simultaneously lying to your partner making them feel like they’re all that matters. Playing games.

I’ve said this before – being loved by someone is a privilege. It’s not a right. So when a privileged person chooses to simultaneously engage in such behavior it’s called cheating. They’re cheaters. It’s utterly disrespectful to the person who loves you. It’s a complete lack of respect for boundaries.

Bottom line – It is disgusting. Cut it out. Or I genuinely hope your partner/spouse finds out.

✌🏼

 

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Growing Old – Poetry

Everyone tells me that I look like I’m still in high school. Definitely a compliment as I approach 30 in just the next year and a half. Ugh that just sounds weird. But as I was looking at some old pictures from a decade ago… I realized that while I look exactly the same… something about me definitely looks different. I started wondering… what is it that’s making me look aged despite looking the exact same… On this “I have nothing better to do” Friday afternoon… I then start stalking pictures of my parents and my friends and noticed the same thing about their photos! And I wondered…

What makes us appear aged…
Is it maturity showing upon our face?
Is it the bags under our eyes…
Or is it this life’s fast pace?

Is it that our experiences
Have worn us down…
Or our loss of innocence
(Which makes us frown)

Each new line,
Heck… all the creases…
Split our face
Into several different pieces

We lose our baby fat
And our youthful skin…
Replaced with a roughness…
You just can’t win

The exhaustion shows…
And you can’t go back…
The insecurity grows…
And trust me it’s wack

But I guess it’s best
Not to compare to the past…
Because how I look today
Also isn’t going to last

I guess I shouldn’t call
My present look dirty…
Because 10 years from now
I’ll probably wish I looked 30

 

Sayli Natu 9/28/2018

A question about trusting life, and myself…

Often times we talk about trusting people, and the impact of losing trust in people. Not today! What I want to poke at today is losing trust in being carefree, in being able to believe… in the normal workflow of life.

Today, given life experiences paired with… well… growing up… I often find myself at various forks along the path of life. One path requires me to trust that everything will just automatically be okay, while the other path is the path of caution, doubt. And I can say that while before I took the first path, now I pretty much only take the latter. Do a majority of adults feel this way? It’s almost like being grown up is the most confusing thing in the world!

I find myself wanting various things so badly… but if those things involve any kind of commitment, then there’s like a million questions that pop up into my head first. Alternate options, how to cover any loopholes, safety plans built into the plan in case mission needs to be aborted, and escape plans in case things don’t work out… even though I know 110% things are going to be fine… I find myself creating “what if we did this instead” schemes that deviate from the normal flow of how things normally work in life.

In addition to trying to trust what’s going on… I also find myself having trust issues with myself. “Will I be able to cope if things don’t work out?” Or “Will I be able to cope with the same situation if it happens again?” Or “Will I be able to cope with a different situation that leaves me equally devastated?”.

Truthfully, most of the time I’m fine… because being surrounded by wonderful people, and having distracting activities… I’ve learned how to put a bandaid over the wound so that I can’t see it. Problem is, I haven’t figured out how to heal the wound itself. While on the outside I can function like a normal person… on the inside I find myself SO fearful of, SO doubtful of the most WONDERFUL and fail proof things and people in my life. And I know I’m doing it, and I know I shouldn’t… but how does one control those thoughts?? The more you push them out the more they push themselves in. And before where I might have spoken up, now each little conflict makes me want to lock myself up and cut off interaction with the world. Which of course I don’t do because I have to behave like a mature adult… but if I didn’t …

I mean I’m guessing everyone who has to be an adult has to felt this way at least once. But especially for any of you who’ve been in a situation where life throws the most unexpected curveballs… be it deception, be it a terrible illness… when do the above mentioned feelings stop?? When do we get to feel and think normally again? What helps??

Small Happinesses

It’s this phrase that’s near and dear to my heart.

Before life got…. complicated… I think I took a lot of things for granted. Not purposely… but I think pretty much everyone takes day to day things for granted. And it’s not wrong persay… it just happens.

But after experiencing rock bottom… I think I personally started noticing small trivial things and they started meaning a lot more to me… More than all the big amazing things that I obviously am also (knowingly) thankful for.

Every “I love you” and “I miss you” from family and friends … every small gesture that is literally so trivial and unnecessary but performed anyway because it would make my life better in ways I wouldn’t have noticed till it happened… like pushing the toothpaste to the top of an 80% finished tube… or being patient with my OCD as I check if I locked the door exactly 7 times or as I lock the car with exactly 6 beeps.

Tonight’s small happiness was a phone call made by someone currently on the east coast. 23:30 my time, meaning it was 2:30 there… I got a completely unexpected call just so that that person could say “I miss you!” before they went to bed. It wasn’t necessary and my life certainly wouldn’t have been worse off without the call… I wouldn’t have known what I was missing had the call not came. But because it did… it brought a smile and a few tears.

Small happinesses is where it’s at. Those unnecessary efforts taken anyway that touch the heart ❤️

Life plans…

375163E5-5B73-4840-AC8D-4E7D3751E091.jpegTonight, at nearly 9pm on a random Thursday night, I find myself sitting alone in my car in a parking lot watching places around me start to close for the night.

I just took myself out on a dinner date. I do that often these days… dinner dates, ice cream dates… and for the most part I’m happy. Actually no… I’m completely happy. I do me. I do what makes me happy… and I keep myself busy.

But I still know the journey… the road I took to get here… and truthfully never in a million years did I imagine this would be how my life would play out. At 18 I had a definite plan. And there was really no reason for life to stray from the path I had planned for myself. All around me there was so much normalness… I never expected my life to be the outlier.

In some sense, as I sit here alone… as the blanket of darkness settles on to us… I have a lot of feelings inside of me. I realize first and foremost… that I am alone. I still feel some sadness, but I feel a lot more relief. I feel wisdom. I feel a little bit confused, I feel some panic and uncertainty.

They say, “want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans”

Truthfully today, a decade later, at 28 I have no plan. I have no idea what to do next. And somehow that’s exacrly when everything is starting to make sense… to be right.

Life is so beyond confusing… with age came the realization that making a plan is a fools job… life is all about the unexpected…

The true anti-mental stress/burn out therapy

Warm bear hugs. Really.

It’s funny cause as we grow up we have to be more and more mature. Any slight deviation from mature behavior and suddenly it’s judgement central.

But I’m going to be honest for all of us. There are days where you’re so mentally strained, exhausted – sometimes due to work, sometimes due to your children or family – whatever may be the cause, that you too want to just sit down and cry for absolutely no reason other than it just feels good. Sometimes we all are so overworked and at the edge that we want someone to hold us, to rock us like our moms used to when we were babies as we weep into their shoulder.

Is something wrong? Nope. Life is good. But that doesn’t mean we don’t all reach that spot from time to time where we just need a mommy like really warm motherly hug. Especially when you’re living alone hundreds of miles away from family… trust me… it can definitely be exhausting to never have someone to lean on 😰

…and yet we lock all that inside and proceed through life with a feigned smile on our faces… now that’s hard work!

So if you’re lucky enough to live with mom, dad, siblings, friends, or significant others… love each other, hug each other for no reason often… definitely think it will subconsciously lower life stress levels… don’t you?

Those who talk a lot

Ok so everyone who knows me knows I’m a chatterbox. I love to talk, I love to be inclusive, and I am open to talk to literally anyone about anything. Elderly grandparents, young children, parents, friends … there’s no barrier. Sometimes even strangers assuming a safe setting.

Its funny how many people have something to say about people who talk a lot. But you know what? If speaking from my own internal mind experience, I speak for all of us… I’m going to say that those people who make conversation and like to talk are also the most friendly, inviting, loving, and most times honest. Things just fly out of our mouths before we’ve had time to filter them. You won’t ever feel that snooty aire of a superiority complex when interacting with us. No matter who you are you’ll get love and respect… and honesty. There really are no secrets or wondering what is going on in our minds.

But sometimes when I’m chatting away, or texting… (and yes sometimes my texts get long when I’m really excited about something I’ve thought of)…. the other person doesn’t really reply. Sometimes it’s just their personality – they’re not texters and that’s fine. But sometimes it just gets kind of embarrassing. Cause then the self doubt immediately begins… did I just talk a lot? Is that person judging me or laughing at me or annoyed of me?

And then it makes me not want to talk much in general at all. I mentally smack myself and say, “Sayli why do you talk so much every single time?”. Kinda gives me an inferiority complex which really shouldn’t be happening. But then what? I mean if I stopped talking then I’d be silencing my own voice… changing my personality…. not being me…

…Right?

Reflected – Poetry

Poetry

Reflected
——–
“Hello,” I said, “I am me!”
“Yes” she said, “I am too… you see…”
I laughed because that was hard to believe
She looked absolutely nothing like me

“If you were me you’d be standing up, strong!”
“But that is exactly where you are wrong…”
“But your face is all splotchy, wet, eyes red!”
“Well what do you expect when I feel hollow and dead…”

“Then you’re definitely not me, I’m happy and free!”
“Pardon me,” she said “I’m going to disagree…”
“I don’t mean to be rude or mean or blunt…”
“But perhaps your carefreeness is just a front…”

Irritation overcame me, “How dare you!” I cried
My eyes were now fiery – enraged and wide,
“You’re meant to copy me, nothing more!”
“You’re to mimic my actions, down to the core!”

As I stood towering over her I began to yell,
Whether she’d listen or not, I couldn’t yet tell…

“Get off the ground, you get up now!”
“How do I do that?” she begged, “Tell me how…!”
“Wipe those tears and and stand up tall!”
“I won’t tolerate this sitting and curling up into a ball!”

Amidst all the arguing, refusing to accept her as my own…
I suddenly became aware – I was sitting on the ground alone.
——–
Sayli Natu 4/24/18

*inspired by an interesting conversation I had yesterday with an apparently equally philosophical new friend. Does a mirror reflect only whats physical? Or does it in fact reflect what’s on the inside, accurately, though you may not realize it till you look… only noticing any changes when you fail to recognize the person looking back at you?

And All The Love

As I sit here contemplating on my place in my community… my world – I have to say that generally, I’ve tried my best to continue being a good person, and keep spreading love despite all the things that have weighed me down. Pleasantly, over the past few months I’ve noticed something that I failed to see before.

Previously, I kept focusing on one person, and that person’s negative impact on my life. I failed to notice all the wonderful people around me who were making a positive impact. I failed to notice that I had a home in the hearts of so many of the people around me.

Frankly, I don’t know where I will be in a year. But in several discussions I was surprised to see how many people were affected, saddened, or upset at the mention of me hypothetically leaving this home. Many said “don’t even think about it”, one went so far as to slap me on the wrist for “saying absurd things”.

At work, I’ve received hugs from my coworkers, simply cause they hadn’t seen me in a week. I have wonderful techs that leave chocolates or coffee on my desk when I didn’t even ask for them. Apparently the way I treat them was impactful enough that the behavior was reciprocated.

I noticed that people loved me too. Through it all, where I had come to believe that my self confidence had shattered and I was better off in my shell – I had somehow managed to remain someone worthy of being loved by the people around me.

This life has by no means been an easy one. And there was a point where I felt so dejected and horrified by the demons of the world that I just didn’t want to be in the same world where they existed. I didn’t want to breathe the same air. But lately, since I’ve been focusing on all the love that is around me, I realized that  good still exists, love still exists… and this world is totally still worth living in.

The only thing that needed to change was my perspective. I had to change who and what situations I was focusing on. I had to change who and what I gave importance to. And when I did that, I found myself much happier.

Needless to say, existing and spreading love is the only way to be one more person making a difference in the world.

Be good, do good, and see the good returned.✌🏼

Stand. By. Me

As women we face so many hardships just EXISTING. Seriously it’s like the universe hates women. Whether it’s our own bodies traumatizing us on a monthly basis or dealing with the male dominated world… we persevere… we manage to keep surviving, staying strong, and getting through each day seemingly effortlessly. Being a female is NOT easy… so what makes it worse is when people think they can sit around making this difficult existence even MORE difficult.

Lets take gender out of the equation for a second and just focus on the fact that we are all just human. Some people have gone through WAY more hardships than we can even begin to imagine. Loss, abuse, hurt, neglect… don’t even begin to fill the list. Dealing with such situations, overcoming them… and trying to get on with life is a HUGE achievement… so anyone who likes to be silly and poke fun… and sure this happens in friendship… but know your limits. Every person is sensitive… just because you’re privileged and haven’t had to deal with these things doesn’t mean you get to be insensitive. Know what is too much… know what jokes go too far… you never know when your seemingly harmless words are going to push another person to the edge. When someone says stop… STOP. It’s not funny.

Dealing with anxiety and mental health issues is the most traumatic thing a person can go through. It’s so abstract you can’t put some ointment on it and cover it with a bandaid. It creeps up on you, the more you try to distract yourself the more it pushes its way into your thoughts, your brain. If someone got hit by a car with multiple broken bones, profusely bleeding… would you walk up to them and then start beating them up even more? Spitting on them? Kicking them? NO! You’d call 911 or help! So it’s not okay to verbally beat up someone who has mentally been through hell and back. What kind of barbaric person would do that??

Now back to females and males. If you’re a male and claim to “stand by women” and support women and praise women’s strength on a public platform… you better be doing so in private as well. Being one thing to the world and then turning around and privately making inappropriate/hurtful/harmful/vulgar comments is SO not cool. If you’re gonna stand by someone publicly… you better stand by them privately as well.

As a woman I say, if you’re gonna stand by me… do it completely… if you’re a hypocrite… don’t stand by me at all. Peace ✌️