Helplessness

It was one of those days that I literally just wanted to jump off of a cliff.

So many things to do. Being an independent human is no joke.

For the longest time I’ve been running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off… errands, work, hobbies, doctor’s appointments just things I need to get done. I’ve been hustling from one place to another, one thing to another, barely remembering to breathe. I don’t have time for breaks right now. But it’s been okay cause I’ve been able to manage.

Tonight however just as I got into my car to get to the next thing I had to do… it just wouldn’t turn on. The battery was fine, but the engine just wouldn’t start. It’s like my car thought it was being broken into, and just killed the engine. I called everyone from friends, to family, to dealership to try and get help… but no one could help me, either they didn’t know what to do or didn’t have the time. That’s when I realized that no matter how independent and capable I am… what I really am is helpless. I realized, as a female,… the importance of having someone there with you. Men just don’t react the way women do no matter the pressure. We balance each other out. When it really comes down to it… I don’t have a single soul here to help me out. I’m in a city far from home… alone.

As I sat in my car bewildered by the situation… all the emotions I had been suppressing within myself, denying, just hit me all at once. As tears rolled down my face,  that feeling and fear of being alone, of being scared, of being… helpless came over me. That feeling of being alone, scared, helpless, and not having a comforting hand to console me and to fix the damn situation left me feeling more frustrated than ever before. I realized how small and insignificant I felt facing this much bigger world… face to face.

I can only thank God that I was at home and didn’t end up stranded in some random parking lot.

Damn situation. Damn life -_- … oh and damn car.

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Food

** Poetry **

I stare, it stares back at me
How long has it been?
Just let me be, just let me be
Isn’t wasting away a sin?

I don’t want it
I let it sit
Skipped like others before it

I walk away
Same as day after day
I know it’s rude
To neglect food

But what can I do?

Although it’s wrong
The Desire is gone

I hope it’ll be back soon

Second Fiddle

Given the ups and downs of life… a recent down has left me very broken, feeling alone, and thinking.

Today, (yes at 3am while this mind can’t fall asleep) I want to think briefly about second fiddling.

Second fiddlers are those who are almost the best, but they’re not the best. They are secondary. They are a second choice. A back up plan, in case the first choice doesn’t work out. They’re important, cause they’re the safety net. The “next best thing”. In a profession sure – Second Fiddling is great! But what about in life?

I’m not sure about others, but I don’t believe I was born to second fiddle. So why is it that I often find myself in situations where I am doing precisely that? What is lacking in me that causes me to be a second fiddler? I don’t think I lack the confidence necessary to be primary… so then is second fiddling… my choice? Is it that I choose to engage with people for whom I am secondary instead of focusing on those for whom I am primary?

Perhaps some people are okay with second fiddling in life. But I guess I’m not. It’s suffocating. Call me a diva… but take it or leave it, or better yet, I’ll leave it. And that’s precisely what I’ve done and plan on doing further. Though every time I do so… it takes a piece of my soul with it. I am a stand alone piece, and I do not hide in anyone’s shadows in any way. And if you put me in someone else’s shadow… then I guess I may as well move into the sunlight… elsewhere.