Games

Why is it that people innately feel the need to play games with the people in their lives? Whether that’s parents, significant others, friends, siblings, classmates, enemies, competition…

In playing games we become manipulative and cunning and snide… achieving thrill and happiness when someone else gets hurt or insecure. How can this be a good thing?

How much easier would it be if we were all just honest and straightforward? No need to make anyone feel insecure or jealous or unworthy or lower. Why is it so difficult to just trust that the people in our lives are there cause they want to be, and they will always be there so long as you are true to them. It would be so much more lovely if we could spend less time manipulating situations and more time loving and being openly and sincerely involved in the people around us.

Games are such a turn off.

*Rohit B – insightful nightly discussions with the bestie… thanks for stimulating my intellect ha

** this post is not based on any personal recent occurance – it’s purely a thought 

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Color

We live in a society where it’s easy to get into something but difficult to get out.

We live in a society where our credentials, potential, morals, values, and personality don’t matter. The only thing that matters is society’s standards.

Suddenly one person’s reputation/image/place in this world is defined by someone else’s actions.

There exists the suffocating claustrophobia created by a black and white world. How is one to stand up again under this pressure?

But some of us are lucky… good past Karma? A good heart?? Because then sometimes someone comes along that takes the time to show us color 🙂

Helplessness

It was one of those days that I literally just wanted to jump off of a cliff.

So many things to do. Being an independent human is no joke.

For the longest time I’ve been running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off… errands, work, hobbies, doctor’s appointments just things I need to get done. I’ve been hustling from one place to another, one thing to another, barely remembering to breathe. I don’t have time for breaks right now. But it’s been okay cause I’ve been able to manage.

Tonight however just as I got into my car to get to the next thing I had to do… it just wouldn’t turn on. The battery was fine, but the engine just wouldn’t start. It’s like my car thought it was being broken into, and just killed the engine. I called everyone from friends, to family, to dealership to try and get help… but no one could help me, either they didn’t know what to do or didn’t have the time. That’s when I realized that no matter how independent and capable I am… what I really am is helpless. I realized, as a female,… the importance of having someone there with you. Men just don’t react the way women do no matter the pressure. We balance each other out. When it really comes down to it… I don’t have a single soul here to help me out. I’m in a city far from home… alone.

As I sat in my car bewildered by the situation… all the emotions I had been suppressing within myself, denying, just hit me all at once. As tears rolled down my face,  that feeling and fear of being alone, of being scared, of being… helpless came over me. That feeling of being alone, scared, helpless, and not having a comforting hand to console me and to fix the damn situation left me feeling more frustrated than ever before. I realized how small and insignificant I felt facing this much bigger world… face to face.

I can only thank God that I was at home and didn’t end up stranded in some random parking lot.

Damn situation. Damn life -_- … oh and damn car.

Thankful on Thanksgiving

Every so many years I have the habit of discussing the current important people in my life. Yes, everyone is important to me but there are a few people who have gone above and beyond in making my life worthy of living. 2017 was the year that I learned how strong and progressive society is, and how much people will stand up for what is right. It’s the year I learned that good too exists. And how supportive people can be. I present all the people I’m thankful for this year:

1.) My family

Mom, Dad, Brother. The constant from birth. The support, the love, and the strength they have shown in supporting me through everything I needed to do. They come first before all else, and never will I allow them to be put in a compromising or sad situation because of me ❤

family blog

2.) Swiss family

We met for the first time after nearly 15 years and thank GOD for that. My second set of parents, but also my Dada and Vahini… my Vahini being more like my sister than an in law. I don’t know how I lived all these years without you prominently in my life, because now I cannot imagine a single day without you two or the kids, and every single day I think about you several times. Especially Ketaki, you are the first person I talk to about ANYTHING before I even tell my friends or parents. I love you all very much ❤

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3.) Anna Athwal

My absolute all time best friend, girl friend, true couple, sister, basically one of my everythings. Nothing proceeds unless she approves of it. My better half. No words are enough words to describe who Anna is to me so I’ll leave it at that. I’m just beyond grateful that I have a sister like her in my life ❤

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4.) My San Diego Friends and Theater/Natak Circle

This past year has been testing… but you have all stood behind me ferociously like family should. If each and every one of you weren’t there… I don’t know what I would have done without you. The amazing times we have spent together and will continue to spend together going forward, you all are truly my family and a major chunk of my life literally revolves around you all.

natak *Several people missing from this photo

5.) My Dance world

My classmates, co-dancers, my Guru Meenal Chakradeo (who is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met), Her Guru, everyone I met at retreat this summer – literally everyone who is connected with me via dancing – you have helped motivate my passion for dancing and in that sense given me another purpose in life that makes this life worth living. I am so grateful for this passion, and so grateful for all the people who partake in it with me.

Dance Photo Blog

6.) Bay Area

Here’s a surprise entry that just barely made the cut hahah… (time wise). Somehow at my lowest point life delivered to me the most necessary thing… some of the most amazing people. Life gave me those who were supportive, experienced, and loving. Life gave me people who would stand through rough waters with me even when they didn’t have to. In a short period of time, I found out that I had more space in my heart for more extremely wonderfully (sarcastic) people.

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*minus nikhil cause he’s not bay just photo madhe alay 😛

7.) India Public

This year I’ve had the chance to meet and bond with some really amazing people from India. Those who started off as complete strangers to me, but within a few days became like family. The bonding, the care, the support, the love and most importantly the hugs ❤ I gained many Sisters, Brothers, and Global Best Friends 🙂

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8.) LA Public

Ashay and Dholu – Doesn’t take a long time to make friends with people that share the same interests/hobbies as you, views on life as you, and have the same fun as you! Thanks for your shoulders, and thanks for the circulating motivation to keep up with our hobbies 🙂 Thanks for being good friends 🙂

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9.) Medzzz aka Medha

My dearest cousin sister from literally since I was a 1 year old. Years and decades of good memories, my closest friend in the family I love you very much my love. And I have been grateful for you since the day you were born 🙂

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10.) Aditya the Genderless, Omniscient, Omnipresent 😛

I have to include him because he is literally the one person who has known me the longest and has been the biggest non-blood related constant in my life. We hate meeting up in person and will probably NEVER meet up in person whether he lives 9 hours away or 5 minutes away (which was a majority of our lives) unless it’s a matter of life or death but he’s perhaps the only person who would be able to accurately write my biography.

pi *now this is a really old inside joke – so old that I don’t even remember what the joke was… but Adi see if you can remember…. all I know is that this was a big deal back in ’08 #paragraphsign

Food

** Poetry **

I stare, it stares back at me
How long has it been?
Just let me be, just let me be
Isn’t wasting away a sin?

I don’t want it
I let it sit
Skipped like others before it

I walk away
Same as day after day
I know it’s rude
To neglect food

But what can I do?

Although it’s wrong
The Desire is gone

I hope it’ll be back soon

Second Fiddle

Given the ups and downs of life… a recent down has left me very broken, feeling alone, and thinking.

Today, (yes at 3am while this mind can’t fall asleep) I want to think briefly about second fiddling.

Second fiddlers are those who are almost the best, but they’re not the best. They are secondary. They are a second choice. A back up plan, in case the first choice doesn’t work out. They’re important, cause they’re the safety net. The “next best thing”. In a profession sure – Second Fiddling is great! But what about in life?

I’m not sure about others, but I don’t believe I was born to second fiddle. So why is it that I often find myself in situations where I am doing precisely that? What is lacking in me that causes me to be a second fiddler? I don’t think I lack the confidence necessary to be primary… so then is second fiddling… my choice? Is it that I choose to engage with people for whom I am secondary instead of focusing on those for whom I am primary?

Perhaps some people are okay with second fiddling in life. But I guess I’m not. It’s suffocating. Call me a diva… but take it or leave it, or better yet, I’ll leave it. And that’s precisely what I’ve done and plan on doing further. Though every time I do so… it takes a piece of my soul with it. I am a stand alone piece, and I do not hide in anyone’s shadows in any way. And if you put me in someone else’s shadow… then I guess I may as well move into the sunlight… elsewhere.

Reality

Poetry 🙂


When life wasn’t fair
I cried in despair
I had had enough
This life was too tough

Just as my heart broke
I looked up and spoke
To the heavens in the sky
I begged to know why

Closing my eyes I pleaded
For what I most needed
For that perfect thought in my imagination
To become a real creation

I wished for you to come heal me
Even though you couldn’t exist, really
Honestly I thought no one was listening
As the tears sat on my face glistening

And just when I was about
to accept all of the pain
You stepped straight out
of my brain

Into Reality.

 

Sayli Natu

10/25/2017


 

 

Judgement

Feeling sad or depressed isn’t something that people wish to feel. When bad things happen to us, they really affect us in ways that we would have never imagined. We end up doing things we never thought we could do, completely out of character, to relieve the pain… even if it only provides temporary relief and a lifetime of regret.

People turn to drugs (legal or illegal) or irrational impulsive behaviors to help numb the pain, drive the sadness away… but obviously that has it’s own slew of collateral damage. What people don’t realize is the power of having someone to talk to. Bottling things up, and holding a regret inside is probably the worst feeling ever. Being able to be honest and open up to someone about depression and your actions without fear of labeling is possibly the most therapeutic thing ever.

But the fear is truly of judgement. If I tell someone about my sadness, or my actions – what if they think that this defines me? It’s not who I am, it was a momentary lapse in judgement due to the situation at that time, but suddenly what if this falsely becomes my identity? I’m not a crazy woman, something really bad has happened to me. But if I talk about it… suddenly I feel like I’m just drama. Why?

It’s not easy to deal with someone who has gone through an immense amount of mental trauma. The fear, the outbursts, the tears, the distrust, the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop. A broken limb takes months to heal… in a cast. You cannot physically cast something so abstract as the mind, or a broken heart… all you can do is listen, try to empathize with a person’s situation, continue caring, continue loving….and not judge.

The world isn’t black and white. It’s easy to jump to conclusions when life has been easy. Walk a mile in my shoes, and then tell me if you still think I’m crazy.

 

Flustered (poetry)

———————————————-
Who wakes up smiling?
A numbness does spread
Removing all dread
A heart full of fear
Replaced with cheer
A shattered soul
Mended to a whole
But see…
A whirlwind of emotions consume the self
Happy but Scared
Correct? Or erred
Time is important, but time wasn’t taken
It didn’t take time for every sense to awaken
Everything seems wrong, but that wrong seems right
Resisted emotions reach an unreal height
The past did kill, but the future thrills
Wait… who wakes up smiling?
Those who are flustered.
———————————————-

-Sayli Natu
10/06/17

 

 

Remember, Marriages come with Vows

You know, as I look around me… I’m starting to really feel that marriages are becoming a joke. Coming from a highly conservative individual like myself – me saying this may come as a surprise to everyone.

In an arranged marriage, parents look to match a boy and a girl on paper… but considering that people can’t be held accountable for their actions these days… it may be more important to match personalities, ideals, goals, and morals. Not morals of the family, but morals of the individual themselves… and yes there is a difference. For example, I knew of someone’s M-I-L who thought that bribing, threatening, and putting her D-I-L’s life in danger in addition to being a liar and cheating the system was perfectly okay to do so long as her goals were completed. The son didn’t think these actions were okay (but he also didn’t have the ability to think for himself).

In love marriages, the amount of time spent together, getting to know one another DOES make a difference. A couple months of togetherness before jumping into marriage is more likely than not a disaster waiting to happen… mostly when you don’t know what the other person’s intentions are towards you. Again I don’t think this was always a problem… I think it’s because over time people don’t feel the need to be held accountable for their actions anymore. When they do something wrong, they find a way to play victim.

A lot of people jump into marriage, (yes, I may also be guilty of this), without getting to know the other person, or their family well before doing so. There are basic assumptions made regarding the responsibilities of a husband and a wife in a marriage… and usually I’ll even go so far as to say for the most part they’re fulfilled… but where before – my parents, arranged, are living a blissful 30+ years together after 2 months of knowing each other – today people lie about who they are to score the spouse, and then end up being a completely different person all together, with completely different motives for the marriage.

As time passes, I’ve noticed around me – whether arranged marriage or love marriage (where boy and girl haven’t been together long) – there is an alarmingly increasing rate of individuals who feel that “marriage is forever” just because a contract is signed. This mentality is SO wrong. Marriage isn’t just a contract that once signed, you don’t have to make any efforts. Marriage is a contract that comes with terms and conditions – these terms and conditions are called Vows. Promises that a bride and groom make to one another on their wedding day – in a nutshell to love, protect, and provide for each other. And that love and responsibility needs to come from the heart – not just because a piece of paper was signed. Sure, an individual can make the promise to be faithful, and to take care of the needs of their spouse… but when the other spouse fails to care, return any love, and simply becomes a heavy burden – essentially does not uphold their end of the bargain – hasn’t the marriage contract also been broken? I see more pathetic women making this mistake, but there are still a handful of pathetic men as well. Marriages are not forever unless efforts are taken to make them LAST. Lying, cheating, and abuse aren’t the ONLY ways to break one’s vows (though they are very big reasons). Refusing to love your spouse, refusing to care for them, refusing to be there for them when they need you emotionally and mentally, creating problems and difficult situations for your spouse, prioritizing yourself to such an extent over your spouse that it puts your spouse in difficult positions, leeching financially off your spouse but refusing to contribute in any way (maybe not financially, but whatever way you can contribute in), wanting money but not wanting your spouse… these are all ways as well for your contract to be broken.

Marriages come with vows, not just of faithfulness, and honesty… but also with vows of partnership, a promise that you will make an equal effort to uphold the love in your marriage. No marriage is perfect, and there will always be conflict… but it’ll be okay so long as you both understand the bigger picture. The second you decide that you’re above the marriage law, and that you can sit on your fat ass and take your spouse for granted, watching them be your darling servant who makes all the efforts… don’t be surprised when you learn that they’re 1.) done with you 2.) have moved on. Neglect is also abuse, and abuse in any form is only tolerated for so long. If you can’t uphold your end of the bargain… there’s no reason for your spouse to.