Remember, Marriages come with Vows

You know, as I look around me… I’m starting to really feel that marriages are becoming a joke. Coming from a highly conservative individual like myself – me saying this may come as a surprise to everyone.

In an arranged marriage, parents look to match a boy and a girl on paper… but considering that people can’t be held accountable for their actions these days… it may be more important to match personalities, ideals, goals, and morals. Not morals of the family, but morals of the individual themselves… and yes there is a difference. For example, I knew of someone’s M-I-L who thought that bribing, threatening, and putting her D-I-L’s life in danger in addition to being a liar and cheating the system was perfectly okay to do so long as her goals were completed. The son didn’t think these actions were okay (but he also didn’t have the ability to think for himself).

In love marriages, the amount of time spent together, getting to know one another DOES make a difference. A couple months of togetherness before jumping into marriage is more likely than not a disaster waiting to happen… mostly when you don’t know what the other person’s intentions are towards you. Again I don’t think this was always a problem… I think it’s because over time people don’t feel the need to be held accountable for their actions anymore. When they do something wrong, they find a way to play victim.

A lot of people jump into marriage, (yes, I may also be guilty of this), without getting to know the other person, or their family well before doing so. There are basic assumptions made regarding the responsibilities of a husband and a wife in a marriage… and usually I’ll even go so far as to say for the most part they’re fulfilled… but where before – my parents, arranged, are living a blissful 30+ years together after 2 months of knowing each other – today people lie about who they are to score the spouse, and then end up being a completely different person all together, with completely different motives for the marriage.

As time passes, I’ve noticed around me – whether arranged marriage or love marriage (where boy and girl haven’t been together long) – there is an alarmingly increasing rate of individuals who feel that “marriage is forever” just because a contract is signed. This mentality is SO wrong. Marriage isn’t just a contract that once signed, you don’t have to make any efforts. Marriage is a contract that comes with terms and conditions – these terms and conditions are called Vows. Promises that a bride and groom make to one another on their wedding day – in a nutshell to love, protect, and provide for each other. And that love and responsibility needs to come from the heart – not just because a piece of paper was signed. Sure, an individual can make the promise to be faithful, and to take care of the needs of their spouse… but when the other spouse fails to care, return any love, and simply becomes a heavy burden – essentially does not uphold their end of the bargain – hasn’t the marriage contract also been broken? I see more pathetic women making this mistake, but there are still a handful of pathetic men as well. Marriages are not forever unless efforts are taken to make them LAST. Lying, cheating, and abuse aren’t the ONLY ways to break one’s vows (though they are very big reasons). Refusing to love your spouse, refusing to care for them, refusing to be there for them when they need you emotionally and mentally, creating problems and difficult situations for your spouse, prioritizing yourself to such an extent over your spouse that it puts your spouse in difficult positions, leeching financially off your spouse but refusing to contribute in any way (maybe not financially, but whatever way you can contribute in), wanting money but not wanting your spouse… these are all ways as well for your contract to be broken.

Marriages come with vows, not just of faithfulness, and honesty… but also with vows of partnership, a promise that you will make an equal effort to uphold the love in your marriage. No marriage is perfect, and there will always be conflict… but it’ll be okay so long as you both understand the bigger picture. The second you decide that you’re above the marriage law, and that you can sit on your fat ass and take your spouse for granted, watching them be your darling servant who makes all the efforts… don’t be surprised when you learn that they’re 1.) done with you 2.) have moved on. Neglect is also abuse, and abuse in any form is only tolerated for so long. If you can’t uphold your end of the bargain… there’s no reason for your spouse to.

Happiest of Birthdays

In the past few years… my birthday has started feeling like just another day. Nothing special. It comes, it goes, and then I feel bad that it didn’t feel the way it used to as a kid. But this year was different.

This year I was actually up on top of a mountain, with minimal range, away from my usual friends and family. I had the opportunity to attend a 6 days Kathak retreat, where I learned under Kathak Greats (Guru Pta. Maneesha tai Sathe, Guru Shambhavi tai Dandekar) and it was an amazing eye opening experience. Exponential learning curve for a Kathak kindergartener like me. To spend my birthday in the company of such amazing people… learning such amazing skills… was possibly the best feeling ever! For the first time, I spent my birthday learning something, being enlightened, and immersing myself 110% in something that I am passionate about. Something that gives me joy. Additionally, I met so many new girl friends, who so quickly became good friends, it felt like I was surrounded by a big family full of sisters on my birthday. For the first time in many years, it actually felt like my birthday, and it felt amazing.

I have to say 27 was probably the happiest of my Birthdays for as long as I can remember. And why wouldn’t it be… birthday parties are pretty standard… happen year after year and all the time even when it’s NOT a birthday. But immersing oneself in studying an art form, and being consumed by it day and night… in the company of such wonderful and beautiful people… now that’s a birthday worth wishing for. ❤

No matter what you do, you’ll always be wrong

You know I have talked about this to several people before, but it’s something that absolutely tickles my brain… so of course I have to write about it.

As many of you know, I went to Switzerland alone back in April. No, I didn’t take my husband. *GASP*

Now the reason V didn’t come along was because he had a lot of work to do and hence felt that he couldn’t make it. And I… have close family in Switzerland so it wasn’t like I was just wandering around aimlessly alone in a foreign country. But what I want to talk about is the difference in reactions… culturally.

Every American person in my life had the following reaction: “What? He’s not coming with you? He should! Work can happen later!” No one talked me down for going alone, simply expressed surprise that V didn’t want to come along and felt that he should.

Every Indian person had the absolute opposite reaction though. They expressed negativity and disappointment in me as if I were a wayward female who has lost all sense of wifely duties. They asked me “I can’t believe you didn’t wait for V to come with you, Was he angry with you for going alone?”. After knowing for 7 months that I was planning a trip to Switzerland, and having an ample amount of time to get a Schengen Visa, V never made the effort to get one. Now I ask – what right would he have had to be angry?? I’m not his property nor his child? We should do things together, hence I planned this trip for us… asked him a million times to come with me… but under that time’s circumstances he felt he had to choose work over traveling with me… why is that something that puts me in the wrong?! In our 3 years of marriage we’ve never had the chance to go on vacation, not even within a 3hr radius, we didn’t even honeymoon because we’ve been SO busy with work and life… so when I finally needed a break… why was it wrong for me to take one?! And as mentioned above… after knowing about it for 7 months… why is everyone more worried about him, his feelings, and whether he was angry or not? (Which he wasn’t, he actually didn’t care and was more than happy to see me take a break)… but still!

I do wish he had come with me, and he does too, but it just wasn’t feasible at that time. It just amuses me that people would suggest that he has the right to be angry and I don’t (again – neither of us were angry – but it’s just amusing to see what standards society holds us to)

Wishing ill upon others

envy-lips“Nazar” as they call it – the evil eye. I do believe in it. Not sure what Karma-ic implications this has for those who pass it on to others – but truly, it’s a horrible thing. They say when someone is jealous of you, or something pertaining to you, it’ll affect you badly – and result in their evil eye harming you. It’s sad really… I guess another word for it could be negative vibes.

What do you get out of being so jealous you wish ill of someone else’s good fate. Why is it so difficult to just be happy for someone else in their happiness – even if it doesn’t mix with your happiness? The sad part is once you selfishly pass off those negative vibes onto someone’s life they’re stuck with them forever while you will forget about that negativity a few years down the line and go right back to enjoying your own life.

Yes you may have wanted something from the bottom of your heart – but when you don’t get it – why not just let it go? Let the other person live in peace. You win some you lose some. Why ruin someone’s entire life over a fleeting moment of jealousy?

A woman’s place – personal account

So in the frame of political discussions, I find myself somewhere in the middle. I agree with some things from the conservative side, and somethings from the liberal side. Both are right to some extent, and both are wrong to some extent. In recent times however, I’ve had to lean towards the liberal side because, I don’t understand why minorities and females, and LGBT, and the list goes on – are having to fight for their rights… I thought we had all established that we’re all human… and all human’s should be treated equally. Their private lives should be their own business as long as they are not causing harm to another person or causing degradation of society. For example two homosexuals who  want to get married in my books are MORE MORALLY (and religiously) correct than that single someone who randomly sleeps around popping out babies from different fathers, or as a teenager, or that parent who PAYS their, or their kid’s way out of trouble but refuses to discipline them, instead teaching them that money can buy anything, and cover up anything- aka the most dangerous thing existing in society (the latter most of whom are replicas of the REPUBLICANS currently in office).  That being said, men are creating the most harm to others. That being said, I don’t understand how people in America ACTUALLY think it’s okay to stomp all over people who don’t agree with their beliefs. That being said, I can’t believe people actually keep supporting such unqualified dictator-like folks, allowing them into office PURELY BECAUSE OF PARTY LOYALTY. Put the parties aside for a second and LOOK at whats happening. What would they do if someone discriminated against them like that?? If it’s enough for them to feel offended, they shouldn’t be doing it to others?? People didn’t protest Bush, Regan, other republican presidents. People are protesting right now cause REGARDLESS of party – THERE IS A BIGGER PROBLEM.

 

Anyhow lets put the political rant aside, today, after a LONG hiatus of not writing anything, and some old negative feelings surfacing – I want to say something that has been on my mind for approximately 1.5 years. Something that was said to me and my parent’s faces that just had me SO angry. I apologize in advance (cause I’m a woman, and women shouldn’t be scattering their dirty laundry around but men can create it out of thin air… but too bad cause IDGAF anymore) so here it goes –

It happened approximately 1.5 years ago when I was in India. FYI – I have the Highest level of education/degree out of anyone directly related to me whether via blood or contract. My husband too is decently educated – works in IT. However, I deal with humans, he deals with computers. After work – perhaps both our brains and bodies hurt -sure we both work hard, his eyes hurt, but my heart hurts.

This past weekend – I worked in the Emergency Room. For whatever reason, it’s been extremely busy. For whatever reason, everyone chose this past weekend to die or get hurt badly. Whatever it’s part of the job. But after 2+ years of attending Codes – I thought I had become emotionally stable. Unaffected. Desensitized. But just this one weekend – attending code after trauma after code for 3 days straight (the frequency definitely higher than usual), until 1:30AM each night, while hormonally unstable, watching several people die, watching families shattered – it took a toll on me. I finally broke down and cried – though only for a brief second. I was emotionally exhausted, emotionally drained. But I put my tough face on and continued.

1.5 years ago when I was in India – I got the new wife special – I won’t say from who because I don’t want to stir up drama and they already know who they are. But they had the nerve to say to my face – in front of my parents and my maternal aunt and her husband – in the nastiest, most accusatory tone ever,

Varun comes home from such a HARD day at work – you should be more understanding – don’t talk back to him he is obviously tired from work to have to come home and listen to you, have food ready for him, have chai ready for him, take care of him, you’re not taking care of him“.

What century am I in??  Frankly, I do my best to fulfill these tasks, and I do believe I should! But it should go BOTH ways. 

Anyway my mom’s older sister had the best response “Our girl is a DOCTOR – not a stay at home WIFE – there’s only so much she can do [esp considering that I works longer hours, and more ridiculous hours than he does – it’s not an 8-5 job!]

Now don’t get me wrong – Varun is a good guy he makes every effort in his ability to make sure I’m okay. But frankly when you grow up observing your surroundings in that kind of environment, in a nation where women are expected to do “home” things and “work” things whilst pampering their overgrown childish husbands your expectations out of yourself as a man become skewed. I’m grateful that he doesn’t have ridiculous expectations of me and sincerely tries understanding that these expectations have to be two directional.

However, when for so long a man has never been held to a certain standard, or certain things have never been expected out of him, he is not going to realize what needs to be done, this has to be taught – needless to say – when I got home, all those things that were demanded out of me, were clearly not expected out of him. Not his fault, and no need for commotion (cause I’m a woman coming home from work). But I definitely noticed – or rather my starving stomach, emotionally unstable heart, and defeated brain did.

I had to ask myself in that moment – If the situation was flipped – per the above comment that was made towards me – what would have been expected of me? “He’s obviously tired from work, he watched people die, worked till 1:30AM  three days straight – you have some nerve not showing emotional support, some nerve talking back when he’s visibly tired and emotionally drained, some nerve not having comfort food ready”

Basically would have been expected to shut the hell up and take the heat of an upset cranky heart.

How is this still happening when we women have proven ourselves to be MORE than capable, perhaps more capable than men, to achieve greatness on this planet? Statistically more educated where women are allowed and encouraged to be educated, ability to handle home and work and kids side by side. Ability to recover from our bodies torn apart via pregnancy and birth, however despite greatness humble enough to sacrifice everything for our husbands and children – but yet… we are continuously being “shown our place”. What??

Don’t kill the messenger

This thought has always been in my mind but I never knew how to put it in words. Honestly speaking, I still don’t know how to put it in words but I guess I’ll try. You know, there’s that saying “don’t kill the messenger”. I stand by it, but it also goes further than just killing the messenger cause sometimes the messenger is talking about him or herself.

Here’s what really tickles me – and I’ve been noticing this more and more since I entered the real world… people are allowed to (apparently) do HORRENDOUS things to others. But the person who is the victim is apparently not supposed to say anything (the messenger) because it “looks bad”. Complaining about being mistreated “looks bad”. Coming out and speaking up about someone who is doing bad things “looks bad”. What?? I constantly find myself trapped… in the past 2-3 years I have unfortunately met some of the WORST people on the planet. People who have no logic, who for selfish means ruin other people’s lives. Selfish tendencies, greed, jealousy causing people to lash out and sabotage other’s hard work, happiness. Egos – which allow people to treat others however the HELL they want, but the second someone reciprocates they are the worst person on the planet.

I have a question – do all you diabolical folks not realize that when you steal someone’s happy moment, there is sometimes NO WAY to relive it? For example: Marriages – cannot be redone. If you ruin someones wedding day that’s it there is NO REDO. Now they have to go the rest of their life knowing that their wedding day was ruined by you… which is really upsetting to brides frankly. And to make someone else’s wedding day about you and what you want – well I hope you rot in hell. And also the extent to which people will go to break someone else’s marriage, especially when it’s their own blood relative’s marriage – WHYYY??

Or hard work – when someone works really hard to put something together and you try to be sneaky and sabotage their plans cause their “project” turns out WAY better than yours… do you realize that the hours and hours someone put into creating something were all for nothing? They will never get that time back. They will never be able to go back in time and maybe spend those 4-5 hours a day taking a NAP instead, or cleaning their home, or whatever else they put off cause they were busy putting together something. Just because you’re incapable of producing quality work and jealous because of it, doesn’t mean you pull people down to YOUR level.

Anyway lets come back to point – so the above mentioned people have done their evil deed.. and permanently hurt their victim, and perhaps gained happiness doing it. But now if the victim comes out and SAYS something, tells someone that “hey, this person did this to me and I didn’t like it”… all of a sudden the victim is labeled a “shit talker”. WHAT??

This society is a culprit’s society. No wonder people don’t speak up when something happens. The cases above are seemingly trivial… but in larger situations we call for rape victims to speak up – WHY WOULD THEY? We ask for domestic violence people to speak up – WHY WOULD THEY? So many other people told to speak up… why would theyyy?? If they speak up, they’re tarnishing their “family name” and “reputation”.

If I hate someone cause they ruined my life, I have to pretend to like them WHILE they actively do things to ruin my life. It’s all good as long as I don’t say anything to ANYONE about it…

My views on Late Term Abortions

Trump’s statement towards Hillary on Abortion really upset me.

Now, Personally I myself would never opt to have even an early abortion simply because I didn’t want to have a child. Desire or not, if I were to become pregnant, I would not feel comfortable going with an abortion. That being said, I don’t think it’s okay to tell women that they have to become mothers. If that’s the case, why aren’t laws ACTUALLY implemented that forces a father to BE a father, not just someone who pays child support (if even that)?

Anyhow, this was a discussion about late term abortions. I’m sorry, but Hillary Clinton is a MOTHER. She is a WOMAN. So everyone sitting around saying stuff like “she would just pull a baby from the womb”…. ARE you KIDDING ME? No woman and mother would make laws to HAPPILY and NONCHALANTLY allow parents to abort a child in the late term. If the desire to have a late term abortion comes up, it’s usually because either:

A.) The baby is NOT going to make it so it’s actually cruel… it’s TORTURE for the fetus… not to mention mentally, emotionally, and physically torturing for the mother [and father] and/or
B.) It puts the mother’s life at major risk. MAJOR risk.
As a medical professional who works at a Hospital that has a NICU, LDR etc, I have seen several pregnancies go wrong. Dear Men, Pregnancy is NOT as easy as it seems, and women who have had no complications – YOU’RE LUCKY. You don’t realize that there are SO many potential complications, so you absolutely DO NOT KNOW what it feels like! When you can’t empathize, how the hell do you have the right to make such bold disgusting statements and decisions?
Yes, I do consider a late term fetus a living individual, for I have seen many premature babies live. They thrive, yes they do. But if the fetal baby has been deemed by multiple MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS to have a low to no chance of survival, AND puts the mother at a very high risk of death… I’m sorry pro-lifers… what about being pro-life for the MOTHER?? You’re potentially killing a young woman to save a fetus that will likely ALSO die if it hasn’t already.
Note: I’m sure there are special nut cases so I do think cases should be taken on a case by case basis to avoid unnecessary late term abortions, but likely when a woman carries a baby inside of her for months on months at an end, she creates a bond with her unborn baby. Pretty much no woman is going to randomly make the decision to “abort” her child in the later months UNLESS SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG. So no, NO ONE is trying to nonchalantly rip babies from the womb, rather it’s a matter of saving a young woman’s life, ensuring the fetus does not undergo a terrible torturous death, and avoiding mental, emotion, and physical trauma for the parents. The mental state of parents who have lost their child is already horrid, and forcing them carry a pregnancy to term only to birth a dead or almost dead child is plain cruel.
We have end of life comfort care measures for people who are in their final days. Decisions to “pull the plug” are made all the time when families deem that there is nothing but suffering for their member of the family that is living off a machine. We don’t prolong their suffering. During a code situation, when a person does not sustain his heartbeat… we don’t just KEEP doing CPR for days and days, we don’t keep administering Epinephrine and bicarb, and calcium, just to keep them “alive”. There comes a time when multiple medical professionals have to make the decision to call the code. Allow the individual to pass so not to break all their ribs, traumatize their internal organs, and deface their external appearance when they’re not able to sustain life for very long.
Therefore, I don’t think it’s fair to have general laws that tells everyone what to do. Medicine DOES NOT WORK that way. It is supposed to be patient specific care. A law needs to be made that analyzes the case allowing the appropriate decision to be made in the best interest of the fetus AND parents. Both physical AND mental states need to be taken into account. Allowing free for all late term abortions certainly is not the answer, because yes as stated above there are nut cases that do not have their fetus’s best interest at heart.  The number of people who decide much too late not to have a child is very low. Most are parents who WANT their baby with all their heart but understand that continue their pregnancy means torture to no end for all parties involved… so a blanket law BANNING ALL late term abortions is also just plain cruel.

On being a leader

I think that it’s finally time to address this because it happens way too often in many different settings.

It’s funny because over the years I’ve come across all these people that think they’re leaders… but actually they’re just bossy. They micromanage things obsessively, and the second that someone else has a different idea on how to go about something, these so called leaders get angry and defensive.

Now I myself have held several leadership positions over the past at least 10 years, and I have learned along the way. There is a certain type of personality necessary to be a leader. I’ve led successfully, and I’ve been led successfully by other people that have done a fantastic job, allowing me to learn as well.

Now I do believe that being a leader has to be something that you are naturally gifted at… but you can’t be a leader until you have some experience or observation as to how one typically leads. It doesn’t matter how many group activities you’ve participated in. If you’re surrounded by people who just listen to you but do not question your decisions, unfortunately you’re not a leader. You’re just a dictator. And truth be told, there’s a very high chance that you’re not doing the BEST job. Some people frankly have neither a natural gift NOR experience, they’re just bossy. And the cockier one is about it… the less respect anyone ACTUALLY has for him/her. He/she would be surprised to hear what people say behind his or her back.

SO as mentioned before, yes there are groups where there is ONE leader and everyone else is just a follower. There dictating works because frankly no one is going to get up and proactively do anything until you say so. But when a group has several leadership quality folks, you’ve struck gold. You literally have multiple heads full of ideas and folks that will proactively DO things. It’s at that point that you need to know when to delegate, when to listen, and when to firmly put your foot down in disagreement.

#1 Give credit WHERE credit is deserved. People are not stupid. At least leaders aren’t stupid. They’re hard workers, they’re gonna see right through you when you try to feed them crap. If someone has put in effort to do something, you have to give them credit. Whether thats a public announcement or someone else comes up to you to congratulate you on a product. ITS NEVER OKAY TO TAKE SOMEONE ELSES CREDIT. It’s never okay if someone says “Hey _______ Great Job on XYZ.. can you help me out next time I need this *service*” to reply with “THANKS! Yeah I’ll help you out next time!”. You’re an idiot because you don’t have the talent to produce that product, so when next time rolls around and your attempt at producing the same service is subpar… it’ll be obvious it wasn’t your work. But more so… the person who deserves credit is going to be less inclined to help you out the next time around. A more appropriate response would be “Thanks! Actually the credit goes to _______, he/she really does a great job!”. This also makes you look like a great person and help people be MOTIVATED to work with you.

#2 LISTEN to people’s ideas. OMG, they might actually be better than what you had in mind. I know some of you people’s world just shattered, but really, multiple brains working together is always better than just your loner brain. Sometimes in a haste to promote yourself, to fulfill your obsession to sparkle in the spotlight you may unnecessarily give yourself more spotlight than NECESSARY. In your blinding narcissistic moment, you may end up ignoring what’s actually best for the final product. Of course, there ARE people with extremely stupid ideas that you DO have to ignore (gently and logically). But when multiple people are voicing the same opinion and its multiple people vs you. It might be time to get off of your high horse. Unless of course, you can logically explain to someone WHY your way is the best way. Just forcing your idea on someone is completely not ok. If you can logically explain to others, and sure they may not LIKE your idea, but as long as they understand WHY your idea has to be done, then it’s okay. THAT is what a leader is, in the event that he or she has to put their foot down.

To add on to this point, I’ve come across a few self-proclaimed leaders, with actually no real experience as far as I can tell. Being a social butterfly is not a qualifier. It’s these people that (for a second forget listening) if someone else starts pitching an idea that *wait for it* pulls them out of their narcissistic sparkling spotlight, oh my god all hell breaks loose. Nasty angry faces, red faces, self-proclaimed leader constantly yelling no, talking over others, and finally, WORST of all, cutting someone else off and saying “No, actually we’re just NOT going to discuss this right now” and then CHANGING THE TOPIC without letting the other person finish. Oh my god. This makes me so upset. When I’m in that situation I just back off cause, that’s what a real leader does when faced with a ridiculously difficult personality, but that’s where we leaders draw boundaries. This is your service? I’ll let you make the decisions. But in the future when it’s MY service, you had better let ME do things MY way. Except for these people usually don’t cooperate there either.

#3 You HAVE to know how to moderate a decision making discussion. You have to know when a discussion topic is going off on a tangent and is going to ultimately just end up being a waste of time. Efficiency is key. You have to know how to be efficient. When to have a discussion, when to NOT have a discussion, and how to lead a conversation in the direction that you want it to go… which is towards the goal. As soon as people start going off on a tangent, you HAVE to know how to bring it back. It’s not okay to waste your own time, or people’s time. In today’s world there are too many things going on and multiple priorities.

#4 Don’t micromanage unless its REALLY necessary and KNOW your team. Is your team proactive? Then you don’t need to micromanage, just ask for updates. If you micromanage, then your proactive team is no longer going to stay proactive. Frankly being someone who is always on the go and always getting things done well ahead of time, I hate it when someone else micromanages me. It makes me wonder, does this person despite KNOWING ME, really think that I’m not going to get said task done?? This person doesn’t respect me as an ethical worker, I don’t know if I want to work with them anymore.  Of course you have to ask yourself, is your team lazy and NOT proactive? Then figure out how much your team is going to do, and at that point you may have to micromanage a little. But once again, ONLY if it’s necessary, KNOW YOUR TEAM.

Ultimately you have to respect people the way you want them to respect you. And if you can’t respect them, then don’t expect them to respect you. You may have their well wishes for a short amount of time, but with repeat offenses, you’ll lose workers, and you’ll lose friends.

Of course there are non-sense people in this world who sometimes you do after a while have to ask to “hold on a second”. But usually you’ve spent countless hours offering multiple logical explanations before having to tell them to be quiet. This is also part of leadership cause sometimes, you do have to tell people to back off… but you have to know WHEN.

Know when to listen, know when to lead, know when and how to make a decision. When working with a group of people logical explanations are a MUST. Respect is a MUST. You MUST listen, you must NOT interrupt, get angry, cut someone off until you’ve heard their entire statement. And once you’ve heard their statement, if you don’t agree, explain WHY you don’t agree. And if multiple people don’t agree with you, then… it doesn’t hurt to sit down and try to see it from their point of view, no matter how correct you think you are.

Unless of course, you want to eventually be leader of no one.

The most annoying question in the world

So I think I’ve found one of the most irritating things a person can ask someone else.

“Why are you behaving like that” or something along those lines.

Okay, given there are some mental lunatics amongst all of us who really DO do things for no reason, and I personally do know someone like that. Their behavior stems from either unprovoked insecurity or they’re actually medically mentally unstable. There are also people who do things because they purposely enjoy and get satisfaction from ruining someone else’s life… or they’re addicted to spinning tales and pitting people against each other to create drama. I recently, over the past couple of years, have been unfortunate enough to meet people like that. And then you wonder, how is it possible for people SO nasty to exist? I mean, growing up, I couldn’t have even imagined such nasty minded/behaving people if I tried.

But most of the time if someone is being angry, or sour it’s because there is a provoked reason. Usually provoked by one of the people mentioned above, or someone who is so utterly selfish and up over themselves (like WAY too much into their own self) that they cannot see anything past their own nose, which by the way, is so high up in the air. Talk about snooty selfish brats.

So naturally, when someone does something horrible to me, or has a complete disregard for anyone else’s needs it makes me angry. Naturally. I mean, you’d be mad too if someone just trampled all over you just to make themselves happy. I mean, I have the PERFECT few extremely basic examples.

The first example is when someone goes OUT of their way to absolutely ruin a major event in someone’s life. I’m talking, graduation, baby/child events, WEDDINGS. These things happen ONCE in a lifetime. So to take someone’s special moment away and make it ALL about your own selfish self…. or you purposely try to crash it and make it a depressing event rather than a joyous one, oh my god I hope your equivalent moment is JUST as horrible. Oh and you better hope your special moment isn’t in some way dependent on me.

Second example, when I know it’s someone’s birthday, I go out of my way to at least try to make sure that person is happy on that day. Whether that’s a midnight surprise, a bday dinner, a facebook/instagram birthday post, or just showering them with happy birthday messages … at the very least I try really hard to NEVER upset someone on their birthday. Cause that’s just not cool. It only comes once a year. On the other hand, while I don’t have expectations from the general population, I do have expectations from certain folks who are very close to me. And I don’t mean throw me a HUGE EXPENSIVE party. I just mean don’t upset me. I mean as we get older, I don’t think any of us feel like it’s that special of a day… frankly it’s not that exciting anymore. But at the VERY VERY LEAST… you really shouldn’t upset someone on their birthday. Like whether it’s important anymore or not, you really shouldn’t make someone cry on their birthday because you think it’s all about you. Whatever, I mean its cool cause luckily my husband is freaking awesome and made sure my b-day was too by inviting all my friends over for a midnight surprise.

However lets come back to the main point. When person A does something bad, unexpected, horrible, mean, selfish… it’s GOING to piss person B off. And then when that person A asks person B, in that EXTREMELY IRRITATING WHINY VOICE, “But why are you all pissed off for no reason?”. Wait, did you seriously just say NO REASON.

I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation before. And we’re baffled. It’s like, wait… you just did something to make me miserable… and then you have the nerve to victimize yourself and ask me why I am being MEAN to YOU? How about we get that snooty nose out of the air, and use our brains to figure out just why I may be behaving the way I am? Cause 10/10 times I’m not just up and pissy for no reason.

I firmly believe in not keeping parasites around. Parasites meaning BP raising people who you have no need for, no dependency on, and they’re only in your life because you allow them to be. Blood or not, the second someone starts leeching, taking from you and giving you nothing but irritation and frustration, and making you a negative person… that person has GOT to go. And anyway, 9/10 times, they’re of subpar intelligence… so they won’t be capable of thinking anyway. It’s like trying to argue with a wall.

Life is too short for it to be filled with nasty people. Seriously.

When my heart breaks.

Today I’ve been feeling a little bit weird. Couldn’t place my finger on it… but when I finally did, my eyes just watered up and I had every emotion and drive to cry. I came home from work at midnight feeling so spent, but it wasn’t because of work. Today my mind was on my best and/or close friends. And I’m talking about from the past.

Today I had a brief reconnection with someone I haven’t spoken to in nearly 2 years, and I realized that it felt like I didn’t even know this person at all. It felt like I was meeting this person for the first time in my life. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. And I really wanted to say something nice or meaningful, but it almost felt like saying something meaningful to someone who is a stranger and probably doesn’t care to hear what you have to say. Someone who chose to walk out of your life because that was the most appropriate decision at that time. At first I didn’t care, but then I scrolled all the way up to the top of our facebook conversation for the hell of it. 3 years ago, the first time we became friends. As I started reading through the conversation, I laughed, those memories from a different lifetime came gushing into my mind and for a brief moment I was transported back to that time. And then all of a sudden I had a sob that was making it’s way up from my chest… I swallowed it back down. This was a brief friendship, but still a close one at that time. It made me wonder how you can go from being such good friends to behaving like strangers in a blink of an eye.

But that was nothing.

This conversation led me to do something I’ve been dreading for months and months maybe even years at this point. I finally had the guts to go see my at one point ultimate best friend’s history with me. And I mean we spent every waking moment together for 2 years. This person was the ONLY person outside my blood family that I have ever loved and cared for so much, but just not romantically. My best friend. The person I could talk to, be silly in front of, buy a pet fish with. I don’t know. The most important person alive to me at one point of time. I literally could not go 5 minutes without having something to say to this person. I don’t even know why I’m sitting here writing a paragraph trying to explain our friendship cause I can’t. Needless to say, my best friend was literally … like my best friend soul mate, minus the romantic interest.

Anyway I’m guessing you get the point. We were attached at the hip. So now I’ll tell you, I haven’t spoken to him really in 2 years. And when he first started distancing himself from me (which was the appropriate thing to do given the circumstances, as my life was going through some major landmark changes) I literally was so heartbroken, I don’t even think I cared so much after ending any romantic relationships. All of a sudden the person I told everything to, leaned on, fought for, fought with, defended, got defended by etc was gone. So tonight when I finally went back and looked through our history, notes, emails, fb messages silly things… I did cry, and it felt good to get it out. Those memories that were so precious were also so freaking painful.

I’ve come to realize that a best friend can be replaced by no one. Of course people can have multiple best friends, but thats a different story.

I realized that breaking up with your best friend is like a million times more heart breaking than breaking up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or maybe even going through a divorce.

A relationship ends because two people are angry, or fighting, or don’t get along anymore, or don’t meet each other’s needs. Physical satisfaction? Emotional? Is one party becoming jealous and behaving weird? I don’t know. Ultimately you become one another’s problems. Distance. Feelings go away.

But a bestfriendship occurs with no limitations. There are no rules. That person doesn’t become your problem because there is no romance or jealousy involved. That person is the person you GO to with all your problems, stories, when you just need someone to have a good time with. Hell, when you need someone to pick a fight with for no reason. The person you can speak to freely about anything. #Freedomofspeechandgossip.

I’ll say it’s generally taken me maybe a week to get over romantic situations. But with friends…It’s been 2 years and both of the above mentioned situations instantly brought me to tears. Cause it doesn’t feel like a break up it feels like someone died and even if you wanted to, you can never see them, touch them, or hear their voice again. And that’s always more haunting.

I’ll still never understand how you can go from being such SUCH close friends, to something worse and far more distant than strangers… in the blink of an eye.