Younger innocent days

Today, browsing through Instagram I saw that one of my now acquaintances recently got married. I haven’t talked to him in maybe… 15+ years and truthfully we were just on smile hi/bye terms throughout the school days.

But why I bring him up is because it triggered a memory from elementary school. The first decade of life… where everything is so innocent. (At least it used to be in the ’90s).

I’d like to share a silly but cute incident with all of you.

Back in the 5th grade, 9 or 10 years old… I had the honor of being appointed the class paper monitor. That meant whenever someone wanted paper they’d have to ask me and I’d go and get it for them. One sheet at a time. One day, this so called now acquaintance… then classmate… mustered up all the courage he could in his little 4’7″ body to ask me for paper… and while I was getting it for him he whispered something to me that caught me completely off guard.

“I have a crush on you” he had said just as the teacher announced it was time for recess.

Of course it was a kiddy crush and meant nothing at that age… but our reactions are what make me laugh.

I pretended like I didn’t hear him… AT ALL while simultaneously turning as red as possible, eyes wide.

He, too scared to reply to my big “HUH?!?!”, turned around and ran as fast as his little legs could carry him… as far away from me as possible (for all of 15 minutes).

And we never spoke of it again.

Makes me laugh because here we are today getting married… and possibly having been through our fair share of real relationships respectively over the past decade. Maturing with each interaction we’ve had with the opposite gender. Learning how to talk to the other gender… learning how to confess our feelings or turn down someone else’s feelings. Gaining confidence, understanding heartbreak, understanding love, bit by bit losing our innocence as the years creeped by.

But in that moment – we were running on zero experience. It’s captured in my mind clearly. Not the literal events but the innocence of the moment. Of a crush that meant nothing but yet had the most childlike of reactions.

That was my first encounter. Do you remember your first kiddy, pre teenage hormones, innocent crush incident?

Time flies when you’re having fun

So they say. And truly, it does. We all want to have fun, enjoy life and the journey that it is.

It’s nice that time flies when you’re having fun.

It also sucks.

The days preceding marrying your loved one go by in anticipation but when you see them everyday – before you know it, it’s time… to seal the deal!

And then you’re having such a blast all of a sudden you’re 80, celebrating your 50 anniversary with grandkids.

Maybe my views are a bit morbid working in a hospital – so while I want all that (80 with grandkids) I just wish I could freeze the first year or two of marriage while continuing to have high intensity fun. Traveling with my best friend, spending time doing so many things besides just work and home(work).

Each day becomes a routine and before we know it life passes us by.

Truthfully it’s a horrible thing that most Asian / Indian families live by. They work so hard they forget to have fun. They’re so invested in their kids they forget to be a couple. (This is actually why it’s so important that your partner is your best friend and not someone who makes your life hell). They’re so invested in saving they don’t actually do anything with the money they’ve saved.

It’s important to use that hard earned money to enjoy life. Don’t just work hard but actually play hard. This life isn’t worth the small stresses and as long as you can put a shelter over your head, food on the table, and education in your kids heads… it really doesn’t matter how much money is in the bank in excess of that.

I realize the importance of participating in memory creating activities. And most importantly doing it with my best friend. And whatever little best friends may be a result of our best friendship ☺️

I say that last part because people say you can’t have fun after kids. And yes maybe it’s hard, but I don’t want to submit to that mindset. I’d like to think my parents had a blast showing us the world, and I’d like to do that going forward as well.

Now perhaps I sound a bit privileged talking about “spend that money” and I realize that not everyone has the funds to travel or spend lots of money. (Truthfully I don’t either). But that doesn’t mean you can’t make memories. Vivid memories that can last you a lifetime… for free, in your own home. What matters is how you spend that time and with whom.

Time flies when you’re having fun. You can’t freeze time. But you can definitely absorb and savor every moment of it. The more vivid it is in your memory the better you can replay each moment in your head – and that replay… in essence is time traveling – and perhaps that’s how you freeze time.

Break the cycle.

The Importance of Getting OUT.

I read the above meme the other day. I felt like it especially addresses many Asian cultures. And so I wanted to address it.

That’s right. I literally see it so much around me. As I grow up more and more cases spring up. Maybe they were always there, but I was too young to know.

Today I have so many people approaching me about “what to do” (even though I don’t have kids I’d my own) but I have to say… Parents – show love. And minimize the negative interactions in front of your children or grandchildren. Your interaction and unhappiness shapes your child’s idea of a relationship. It teaches kids that marriage is a horrible place to be. And it really isn’t! It shouldn’t be! You think your kids don’t see it but they are professionals at picking up vibes.

If you have a son it teaches him either how to negatively treat his partner or how to be ok with being abused.

If you have a daughter, it teaches her either how to negatively abuse her partner OR how to be ok with being abused.

You don’t want that for your kids do you? No? Ok so if your relationship is so toxic beyond repair… get out. Because this isn’t about you anymore it’s about your child. You’re hurting them more than helping them. This is something our culture will put me on blast for encouraging but it’s true. We have on avg 75-100 years on this planet. That’s a long time to suffocate… and one limited life to waste.

Is your relationship fixable? (You’ll know the difference deep down inside – as to whether it’s fixable or not). Try every method to see if something wrong can be fixed, maybe love still exists but needs a therapist to work it out…

That’s why I never could stay in an environment that was toxic… whether that’s romantic or blood, doesn’t matter. Small fights – learn to patch them up…. but if you’re in a manipulative or abusive or toxic situation…. You have to break the cycle somewhere.

It’s hard. At first it’s exceptionally hard but believe me when I say that hard phase lasts maybe 1-2 years. Then it blows over. 1-2 years of difficulty is nothing in the face of 50 years of suffocation.

If I could do it. You can too. Please, for the sake of future generations.

Break the cycle.

Either get a therapist. Or get out.

How does one smile?

As I look at my performances or any other pictures these days I notice that I’m smiling… but I’m not. The smile looks so fake, like plastic.

I notice this with many people my age or older. Heck I see it with celebrities the most.

What? Are we exhausted? We aren’t even that old. Working in a hospital I can tell you that old starts after 75-80 and that too only in some.

I look back at younger day pictures and realized the difference.

We’ve all been through our shares of ups and downs by this point in life. And it’s weighed heavily on us – making us resort to plastic smiles.

Because we forgot how to smile with our eyes.

That’s right… true smiles are not created by the lips…

… they’re created by the sparkle in ones eyes.

The world we live in today

After multiple incidents today And multiple points – I have to speak up.

1.) Progressivism vs Decency

The world we live in today. Where in the name of progressivism we have given up decency.

Being progressive doesn’t mean we forget how to be decent. True progressives find that balance between decency and progressive. Progressive means we should be able to talk about all topics. Progressive decency means we accept everything exists, we talk about everything openly – but don’t need to literally and intentionally put it on display in the name of being “progressive”.

For example I should be able to talk about the woman’s monthly menstrual cycle educationally, or openly without being ashamed. But I don’t need to show everyone someone’s bloody sanitary napkin or tampon to make my point. Did that paragraph make you uncomfortable? You can connect the rest of the dots yourself (in regards to what I’m saying).

2.) Offensive vs Funny

Secondly – the issue of being offended over every little thing.

All I have to say guys is that toning matters. Whether a statement is offensive or not has to do with 1.) who are you saying it to 2.) what is the tone you’re carrying behind it (pun? satire? Gossip? Complaining? Angry? Stand up comedy? Light comedy? Sarcasm?) 3.) what is the background of that statement? (History, someone’s personal experience, etc)

We live in a decade where everyone is so offended by ever little thing that’s is a wonder we haven’t all just decided to take a vow of silence. No one should say anything. No one should express anything. And especially lo and behold, if you crack a joke.

It’s suffocating.

3.) Open-minded vs Close-minded

Thirdly – close mindedness. In this world of people trying to have a global open mind, we are the most closed minded we’ve ever been as a species.

We have gone so far open minded that we went full circle and are just close minded again.

Previously – drugs, sex, alcohol – shame shame.

Then came the era of “don’t slut shame” “try everything once but don’t get hooked” and “alcohol isn’t that bad”

And today – people are humiliated for being virgins before marriage (prudes), and for not drinking or trying drugs (Borings).

In today world being a Virgin past the age of 18 is shameful and mocked in every single teenage tv show and movie. We live in a world where we encourage, push, an activity but can’t deal with the consequences of that activity. And if anyone refrains from said activity they are humiliated beyond reason even though – it’s quite a responsible decision.

What the hell?? So what’s the difference between “shame shame” and today?? In either case you’re not giving a human respect for their own decisions!

They’re both equally close minded.

Final Comments

I hail from a progressive open minded family… but I refuse to be blind to the extremism even if it is liberal (despite being a liberal). Today in America, the left is equally as extreme and disrespectful as the right.

Once upon a brief time we had it right. We had a good balance between progressive and decent, offensive and comedy, open minded and close minded.

Once upon a time. Not today. Not 50 years ago. Somewhere in between.

But not today.

Insensitive indifference

My hands didn’t shake. Not one bit. The old man who was joking with me just the night before… now lay dying in front of me. CPR, epi, bicarb, calcium… we tried it all.

But while pulling up and/or assembling each medication – my hands didn’t shake at all. My co-pharmacist’s hands were trembling. She forgot to take the cap off the Epi syringe at one point, her hands shaking so badly.

She felt something. She understood the gravity of the situation.

So did I… as in I knew the gravity of the situation.

But I felt nothing. So I offered to assemble the meds, with my ridiculously stable hands.

And I wondered why a sense of numbing calmness always spreads through my body in such situations. Especially when I cried my heart out all the way home the first time I ever saw someone die. And the second time. And the twelfth time. And time and time again until – well I don’t know really when the crying stopped.

But since whenever that was… that numbing calmness continues to spread through my body whenever these situations come knocking on anyone’s door. Apparently including mine.

Today some asshole driving exceptionally recklessly on the freeway didn’t allow me to merge even though my merge lane was long finished. I was already on the freeway. He, going 100mph+ ran me off onto the shoulder while almost side swiping me from behind which had there been a collision would have sent my car flipping.

And yet I was calm. I was annoyed and honked a million times. But that scared feeling – it just wasn’t there.

Before I came into the chaotic inpatient setting – this situation would have scared the daylights out of me. Every minuscule part of my body would have been tingling with fear. But no, today I was calm… as if it had never happened.

For those who have known me I’m the feelingest feeler on the planet. I feel emotion over everything to the point where it eats me alive.

These situations once upon a time would have torn me to shreds… tears pouring out of my eyes.

When did I become so insensitive, indifferent? Or is the question – “am I really insensitive/indifferent?”

Or did I just find ways to put up walls around my feelings, my heart every time harm or death came knocking at someone or another’s door? Do I force myself to not feel so that I can continue functioning on my job? In my life?

How does the biggest emotional feeler (like myself), the “I cry when others cry” person that I am – learn how to be so stone hearted? So decidedly unaffected?

How?

Does anyone else in the medical field feel this way?

Second fiddles and Primary pasts

Two years ago I had written about second fiddles and how no one should be ok with it. I have literally seen so many people accept their place as a second fiddle and I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I also wondered – “do we choose to be in the company of people who treat us like a second fiddle instead of spending time with the people for whom we are a primary?”

See what sucks about growing up is that when we were young, we gave up everything that was genuinely ours… to explore the unknown world. To explore the “greener grasses”. We left our homes, our childhood friends, our families, our relationships to see what else was out there…

… and when we get older we end up having no option but to be a second fiddler. Why? Because everyone’s already done their “primaries” which have etched a memory in their brains and set a bar therefore making it hard to penetrate that barrier and be primary in their minds.

Take for example, when we all started highschool (or college)… everyone was new so it was easy to make new friends and be comfortable – because everyone was growing together. But transferring junior year (like I did in HS) made it SO hard to gel. Everyone already had their cliques and I was so out of place. I missed my old school so much at that point. The few friends I made would never have the place in their hearts for me that my friends at my old school had. Luckily I already had some friends at my new HS before I transferred there so I was somewhat ok.

Or take for example first love. We all have our first hormone inflicted crushes and loves as teenagers. And if that relationship lasts for a while, that “ex” permanently engrains themselves into our minds no matter how big a bitch or asshole he or she may have been. Now some of us are able to put the past in the past… and prioritize every current relationship we are in. But not everyone can. For those who are still stuck on their exes despite being in a wonderful relationship in the present (years after the old one ended) – these are the people who treat their current partners like second fiddles. The poor second fiddler just cannot break that barrier and be of any importance to their significant other.

So what does one do? When they’re in a new place with no friends they can call at the drop of a hat. When they’re at a new job, have a new relationship, transfer midway to a new school…basically find themselves in a position where their previously existing importance has suddenly diminished in the light of a new situation?

What do you do? And the answer is not “learn to accept it”

Because once a winner, always a winner.

And no one has to exist in another’s shadow. Because for there to be a shadow there must be light.

So step into the sunlight… wherever that is.

What determines attractiveness

So yesterday a few things happened. Really putting things in perspective.

1.) a random dude I’ve never met before approached me to tell me he thought I was very pretty.

2.) a best friend who has known me for half my life cheered me on and told me “I still had it”

3.) another old friend who had known me since we were basically toddlers, told me I look the exact same as I always have. <– this friend has the biggest perspective.

So anyway in conversation this morning with friend #2 above, the convo went as follows after he told me “I still got it”:

I told him how not even three years ago I was at the lowest point in my life. There was nothing more I wanted to do but disappear from this life. Life had taken me to a point where I felt so incredibly unattractive because of everything that was happening to me, my self confidence was at an all time low. I felt like trash… like no one would ever want me.

To that he responded “and look at where you are now”

But the truth is I am nowhere now… at least nowhere on that scale of attractiveness. Nowhere that I wasn’t already. The up and down had only happened in my own mind. Keep in mind friend #3 with the biggest perspective’s words “You have always looked the EXACT same”. But yet that up and down in my own mind did have a real effect in the real world!

So what would make a person appear so unattractive before but attractive now – shouldn’t degree of attractiveness have stayed constant if there hasn’t actually been any physical change?

Suddenly at 10:44 this morning I realized… all along it wasn’t my physical appearance but the vibe I put out and the way I looked at myself that affected everyone else’s approach towards me.

And I learned a life lesson.

Even when something really bad happens to you don’t let people define how you see yourself. You have to define yourself, and only then can you define how people see you. What defines my degree of attractiveness is how I look at myself. How confident I am in my own self. It has everything to do with the vibe I put out and that vibe depends only on how I feel about myself.

Physical appearance – that’s all subjective and out of our control. But what we think about ourselves and how we carry ourselves… now that’s the true impact.

Missing someone

It’s almost 4am. I should have been asleep hours ago but I can’t get my legs to walk me into the bedroom and sleep.

I keep waiting for you to come home, even though I know you’re on a special vacation. I keep thinking any moment now you’ll walk through the door and we can do our wrap up for the night routine. Talk, watch tv, play a game on our phone together. Give each other massages cause we are getting old and need them.

I know you’re not going to walk through that door but my body refuses to de-condition for just a night or two.

I need sleep so badly. But it’s so hard when I keep missing you. How did I spend 5 years in an empty apartment??

The silence is deafening. I’ve actually never felt this sadness before… which is truly a good thing.

Obviously there’s love in this relationship… but that would be there regardless.

What it actually means is that despite any mistakes you have made in your life… you are still a good man.

I feel what I feel because you’re a good man, and I would say that feeling the way I feel tonight, as sad as I feel… is a blessing.

I am loved and cared for, finally, in the way that I always wished to be. So the lack there of while you’re away…. is what induces this feeling.

For this feeling, as sucky as it is, I actually want to say…. thank you.

Why can’t money grow on trees?

I mean. It could. It could grow on trees if we decided to make leaves money. But then it’d be too common and common things hold no value.

Everyone would be able to afford everything so then it would just be first come first serve. And things would get weird. Probably.

But maybe it would encourage everyone to plant more trees. 🤔

Random thought of the day as I wait for work to begin. 🙈