Wishing ill upon others

envy-lips“Nazar” as they call it – the evil eye. I do believe in it. Not sure what Karma-ic implications this has for those who pass it on to others – but truly, it’s a horrible thing. They say when someone is jealous of you, or something pertaining to you, it’ll affect you badly – and result in their evil eye harming you. It’s sad really… I guess another word for it could be negative vibes.

What do you get out of being so jealous you wish ill of someone else’s good fate. Why is it so difficult to just be happy for someone else in their happiness – even if it doesn’t mix with your happiness? The sad part is once you selfishly pass off those negative vibes onto someone’s life they’re stuck with them forever while you will forget about that negativity a few years down the line and go right back to enjoying your own life.

Yes you may have wanted something from the bottom of your heart – but when you don’t get it – why not just let it go? Let the other person live in peace. You win some you lose some. Why ruin someone’s entire life over a fleeting moment of jealousy?

A woman’s place – personal account

So in the frame of political discussions, I find myself somewhere in the middle. I agree with some things from the conservative side, and somethings from the liberal side. Both are right to some extent, and both are wrong to some extent. In recent times however, I’ve had to lean towards the liberal side because, I don’t understand why minorities and females, and LGBT, and the list goes on – are having to fight for their rights… I thought we had all established that we’re all human… and all human’s should be treated equally. Their private lives should be their own business as long as they are not causing harm to another person or causing degradation of society. For example two homosexuals who  want to get married in my books are MORE MORALLY (and religiously) correct than that single someone who randomly sleeps around popping out babies from different fathers, or as a teenager, or that parent who PAYS their, or their kid’s way out of trouble but refuses to discipline them, instead teaching them that money can buy anything, and cover up anything- aka the most dangerous thing existing in society (the latter most of whom are replicas of the REPUBLICANS currently in office).  That being said, men are creating the most harm to others. That being said, I don’t understand how people in America ACTUALLY think it’s okay to stomp all over people who don’t agree with their beliefs. That being said, I can’t believe people actually keep supporting such unqualified dictator-like folks, allowing them into office PURELY BECAUSE OF PARTY LOYALTY. Put the parties aside for a second and LOOK at whats happening. What would they do if someone discriminated against them like that?? If it’s enough for them to feel offended, they shouldn’t be doing it to others?? People didn’t protest Bush, Regan, other republican presidents. People are protesting right now cause REGARDLESS of party – THERE IS A BIGGER PROBLEM.


Anyhow lets put the political rant aside, today, after a LONG hiatus of not writing anything, and some old negative feelings surfacing – I want to say something that has been on my mind for approximately 1.5 years. Something that was said to me and my parent’s faces that just had me SO angry. I apologize in advance (cause I’m a woman, and women shouldn’t be scattering their dirty laundry around but men can create it out of thin air… but too bad cause IDGAF anymore) so here it goes –

It happened approximately 1.5 years ago when I was in India. FYI – I have the Highest level of education/degree out of anyone directly related to me whether via blood or contract. My husband too is decently educated – works in IT. However, I deal with humans, he deals with computers. After work – perhaps both our brains and bodies hurt -sure we both work hard, his eyes hurt, but my heart hurts.

This past weekend – I worked in the Emergency Room. For whatever reason, it’s been extremely busy. For whatever reason, everyone chose this past weekend to die or get hurt badly. Whatever it’s part of the job. But after 2+ years of attending Codes – I thought I had become emotionally stable. Unaffected. Desensitized. But just this one weekend – attending code after trauma after code for 3 days straight (the frequency definitely higher than usual), until 1:30AM each night, while hormonally unstable, watching several people die, watching families shattered – it took a toll on me. I finally broke down and cried – though only for a brief second. I was emotionally exhausted, emotionally drained. But I put my tough face on and continued.

1.5 years ago when I was in India – I got the new wife special – I won’t say from who because I don’t want to stir up drama and they already know who they are. But they had the nerve to say to my face – in front of my parents and my maternal aunt and her husband – in the nastiest, most accusatory tone ever,

Varun comes home from such a HARD day at work – you should be more understanding – don’t talk back to him he is obviously tired from work to have to come home and listen to you, have food ready for him, have chai ready for him, take care of him, you’re not taking care of him“.

What the literal F*&@??? What century am I in??  Even Varun was like “WTF”. Frankly, I do my best to fulfill these tasks, and I do believe I should! But it should go BOTH ways. Oh, and obviously this person who is closely related to him doesn’t even realize that he doesn’t drink chai but whatever.

Anyway my mom’s older sister had the best response “Our girl is a DOCTOR – not a stay at home WIFE – there’s only so much she can do [esp considering that I works longer hours, and more ridiculous hours than he does – “This ain’t no 8-5 job”]”. That shut them up right quick.

Now don’t get me wrong – Varun is the good guy he makes every effort in his ability to make sure I’m okay. Frankly, when you grow up observing your surroundings in that kind of environment, in a nation where women are expected to do “home” things and “work” things whilst pampering their overgrown childish husbands your expectations out of yourself become skewed. I’m grateful he doesn’t have ridiculous expectations of me and is sincerely understanding that these expectations have to be two directional.

However, when for so long a man has never been held to a certain standard, or certain things have never been expected out of him, he is not going to realize what needs to be done, this has to be taught – needless to say – when I got home, all those things that were demanded out of me, were clearly not expected out of him. Not his fault, and no need for commotion (cause I’m a woman coming home from work). But I definitely noticed – or rather my starving stomach, emotionally unstable heart, and defeated brain did.

I had to ask myself in that moment – If the situation was flipped – per the above comment that was made towards me – what would have been expected of me? “He’s obviously tired from work, he watched people die, worked till 1:30AM  three days straight – you have some nerve not showing emotional support, some nerve talking back when he’s visibly tired and emotionally drained, some nerve not having comfort food ready”

Basically would have been expected to shut the hell up and take the heat of an upset cranky heart.

How is this still happening when we women have proven ourselves to be MORE than capable, perhaps more capable than men, to achieve greatness on this planet? Statistically more educated where women are allowed and encouraged to be educated, ability to handle home and work and kids side by side. Ability to recover from our bodies torn apart via pregnancy and birth, however despite greatness humble enough to sacrifice everything for our husbands and children – but yet… we are continuously being “shown our place”. What??

Don’t kill the messenger

This thought has always been in my mind but I never knew how to put it in words. Honestly speaking, I still don’t know how to put it in words but I guess I’ll try. You know, there’s that saying “don’t kill the messenger”. I stand by it, but it also goes further than just killing the messenger cause sometimes the messenger is talking about him or herself.

Here’s what really tickles me – and I’ve been noticing this more and more since I entered the real world… people are allowed to (apparently) do HORRENDOUS things to others. But the person who is the victim is apparently not supposed to say anything (the messenger) because it “looks bad”. Complaining about being mistreated “looks bad”. Coming out and speaking up about someone who is doing bad things “looks bad”. What?? I constantly find myself trapped… in the past 2-3 years I have unfortunately met some of the WORST people on the planet. People who have no logic, who for selfish means ruin other people’s lives. Selfish tendencies, greed, jealousy causing people to lash out and sabotage other’s hard work, happiness. Egos – which allow people to treat others however the HELL they want, but the second someone reciprocates they are the worst person on the planet.

I have a question – do all you diabolical folks not realize that when you steal someone’s happy moment, there is sometimes NO WAY to relive it? For example: Marriages – cannot be redone. If you ruin someones wedding day that’s it there is NO REDO. Now they have to go the rest of their life knowing that their wedding day was ruined by you… which is really upsetting to brides frankly. And to make someone else’s wedding day about you and what you want – well I hope you rot in hell. And also the extent to which people will go to break someone else’s marriage, especially when it’s their own blood relative’s marriage – WHYYY??

Or hard work – when someone works really hard to put something together and you try to be sneaky and sabotage their plans cause their “project” turns out WAY better than yours… do you realize that the hours and hours someone put into creating something were all for nothing? They will never get that time back. They will never be able to go back in time and maybe spend those 4-5 hours a day taking a NAP instead, or cleaning their home, or whatever else they put off cause they were busy putting together something. Just because you’re incapable of producing quality work and jealous because of it, doesn’t mean you pull people down to YOUR level.

Anyway lets come back to point – so the above mentioned people have done their evil deed.. and permanently hurt their victim, and perhaps gained happiness doing it. But now if the victim comes out and SAYS something, tells someone that “hey, this person did this to me and I didn’t like it”… all of a sudden the victim is labeled a “shit talker”. WHAT??

This society is a culprit’s society. No wonder people don’t speak up when something happens. The cases above are seemingly trivial… but in larger situations we call for rape victims to speak up – WHY WOULD THEY? We ask for domestic violence people to speak up – WHY WOULD THEY? So many other people told to speak up… why would theyyy?? If they speak up, they’re tarnishing their “family name” and “reputation”.

If I hate someone cause they ruined my life, I have to pretend to like them WHILE they actively do things to ruin my life. It’s all good as long as I don’t say anything to ANYONE about it…

My views on Late Term Abortions

Trump’s statement towards Hillary on Abortion really upset me.

Now, Personally I myself would never opt to have even an early abortion simply because I didn’t want to have a child. Desire or not, if I were to become pregnant, I would not feel comfortable going with an abortion. That being said, I don’t think it’s okay to tell women that they have to become mothers. If that’s the case, why aren’t laws ACTUALLY implemented that forces a father to BE a father, not just someone who pays child support (if even that)?

Anyhow, this was a discussion about late term abortions. I’m sorry, but Hillary Clinton is a MOTHER. She is a WOMAN. So everyone sitting around saying stuff like “she would just pull a baby from the womb”…. ARE you KIDDING ME? No woman and mother would make laws to HAPPILY and NONCHALANTLY allow parents to abort a child in the late term. If the desire to have a late term abortion comes up, it’s usually because either:

A.) The baby is NOT going to make it so it’s actually cruel… it’s TORTURE for the fetus… not to mention mentally, emotionally, and physically torturing for the mother [and father] and/or
B.) It puts the mother’s life at major risk. MAJOR risk.
As a medical professional who works at a Hospital that has a NICU, LDR etc, I have seen several pregnancies go wrong. Dear Men, Pregnancy is NOT as easy as it seems, and women who have had no complications – YOU’RE LUCKY. You don’t realize that there are SO many potential complications, so you absolutely DO NOT KNOW what it feels like! When you can’t empathize, how the hell do you have the right to make such bold disgusting statements and decisions?
Yes, I do consider a late term fetus a living individual, for I have seen many premature babies live. They thrive, yes they do. But if the fetal baby has been deemed by multiple MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS to have a low to no chance of survival, AND puts the mother at a very high risk of death… I’m sorry pro-lifers… what about being pro-life for the MOTHER?? You’re potentially killing a young woman to save a fetus that will likely ALSO die if it hasn’t already.
Note: I’m sure there are special nut cases so I do think cases should be taken on a case by case basis to avoid unnecessary late term abortions, but likely when a woman carries a baby inside of her for months on months at an end, she creates a bond with her unborn baby. Pretty much no woman is going to randomly make the decision to “abort” her child in the later months UNLESS SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG. So no, NO ONE is trying to nonchalantly rip babies from the womb, rather it’s a matter of saving a young woman’s life, ensuring the fetus does not undergo a terrible torturous death, and avoiding mental, emotion, and physical trauma for the parents. The mental state of parents who have lost their child is already horrid, and forcing them carry a pregnancy to term only to birth a dead or almost dead child is plain cruel.
We have end of life comfort care measures for people who are in their final days. Decisions to “pull the plug” are made all the time when families deem that there is nothing but suffering for their member of the family that is living off a machine. We don’t prolong their suffering. During a code situation, when a person does not sustain his heartbeat… we don’t just KEEP doing CPR for days and days, we don’t keep administering Epinephrine and bicarb, and calcium, just to keep them “alive”. There comes a time when multiple medical professionals have to make the decision to call the code. Allow the individual to pass so not to break all their ribs, traumatize their internal organs, and deface their external appearance when they’re not able to sustain life for very long.
Therefore, I don’t think it’s fair to have general laws that tells everyone what to do. Medicine DOES NOT WORK that way. It is supposed to be patient specific care. A law needs to be made that analyzes the case allowing the appropriate decision to be made in the best interest of the fetus AND parents. Both physical AND mental states need to be taken into account. Allowing free for all late term abortions certainly is not the answer, because yes as stated above there are nut cases that do not have their fetus’s best interest at heart.  The number of people who decide much too late not to have a child is very low. Most are parents who WANT their baby with all their heart but understand that continue their pregnancy means torture to no end for all parties involved… so a blanket law BANNING ALL late term abortions is also just plain cruel.

On being a leader

I think that it’s finally time to address this because it happens way too often in many different settings.

It’s funny because over the years I’ve come across all these people that think they’re leaders… but actually they’re just bossy. They micromanage things obsessively, and the second that someone else has a different idea on how to go about something, these so called leaders get angry and defensive.

Now I myself have held several leadership positions over the past at least 10 years, and I have learned along the way. There is a certain type of personality necessary to be a leader. I’ve led successfully, and I’ve been led successfully by other people that have done a fantastic job, allowing me to learn as well.

Now I do believe that being a leader has to be something that you are naturally gifted at… but you can’t be a leader until you have some experience or observation as to how one typically leads. It doesn’t matter how many group activities you’ve participated in. If you’re surrounded by people who just listen to you but do not question your decisions, unfortunately you’re not a leader. You’re just a dictator. And truth be told, there’s a very high chance that you’re not doing the BEST job. Some people frankly have neither a natural gift NOR experience, they’re just bossy. And the cockier one is about it… the less respect anyone ACTUALLY has for him/her. He/she would be surprised to hear what people say behind his or her back.

SO as mentioned before, yes there are groups where there is ONE leader and everyone else is just a follower. There dictating works because frankly no one is going to get up and proactively do anything until you say so. But when a group has several leadership quality folks, you’ve struck gold. You literally have multiple heads full of ideas and folks that will proactively DO things. It’s at that point that you need to know when to delegate, when to listen, and when to firmly put your foot down in disagreement.

#1 Give credit WHERE credit is deserved. People are not stupid. At least leaders aren’t stupid. They’re hard workers, they’re gonna see right through you when you try to feed them crap. If someone has put in effort to do something, you have to give them credit. Whether thats a public announcement or someone else comes up to you to congratulate you on a product. ITS NEVER OKAY TO TAKE SOMEONE ELSES CREDIT. It’s never okay if someone says “Hey _______ Great Job on XYZ.. can you help me out next time I need this *service*” to reply with “THANKS! Yeah I’ll help you out next time!”. You’re an idiot because you don’t have the talent to produce that product, so when next time rolls around and your attempt at producing the same service is subpar… it’ll be obvious it wasn’t your work. But more so… the person who deserves credit is going to be less inclined to help you out the next time around. A more appropriate response would be “Thanks! Actually the credit goes to _______, he/she really does a great job!”. This also makes you look like a great person and help people be MOTIVATED to work with you.

#2 LISTEN to people’s ideas. OMG, they might actually be better than what you had in mind. I know some of you people’s world just shattered, but really, multiple brains working together is always better than just your loner brain. Sometimes in a haste to promote yourself, to fulfill your obsession to sparkle in the spotlight you may unnecessarily give yourself more spotlight than NECESSARY. In your blinding narcissistic moment, you may end up ignoring what’s actually best for the final product. Of course, there ARE people with extremely stupid ideas that you DO have to ignore (gently and logically). But when multiple people are voicing the same opinion and its multiple people vs you. It might be time to get off of your high horse. Unless of course, you can logically explain to someone WHY your way is the best way. Just forcing your idea on someone is completely not ok. If you can logically explain to others, and sure they may not LIKE your idea, but as long as they understand WHY your idea has to be done, then it’s okay. THAT is what a leader is, in the event that he or she has to put their foot down.

To add on to this point, I’ve come across a few self-proclaimed leaders, with actually no real experience as far as I can tell. Being a social butterfly is not a qualifier. It’s these people that (for a second forget listening) if someone else starts pitching an idea that *wait for it* pulls them out of their narcissistic sparkling spotlight, oh my god all hell breaks loose. Nasty angry faces, red faces, self-proclaimed leader constantly yelling no, talking over others, and finally, WORST of all, cutting someone else off and saying “No, actually we’re just NOT going to discuss this right now” and then CHANGING THE TOPIC without letting the other person finish. Oh my god. This makes me so upset. When I’m in that situation I just back off cause, that’s what a real leader does when faced with a ridiculously difficult personality, but that’s where we leaders draw boundaries. This is your service? I’ll let you make the decisions. But in the future when it’s MY service, you had better let ME do things MY way. Except for these people usually don’t cooperate there either.

#3 You HAVE to know how to moderate a decision making discussion. You have to know when a discussion topic is going off on a tangent and is going to ultimately just end up being a waste of time. Efficiency is key. You have to know how to be efficient. When to have a discussion, when to NOT have a discussion, and how to lead a conversation in the direction that you want it to go… which is towards the goal. As soon as people start going off on a tangent, you HAVE to know how to bring it back. It’s not okay to waste your own time, or people’s time. In today’s world there are too many things going on and multiple priorities.

#4 Don’t micromanage unless its REALLY necessary and KNOW your team. Is your team proactive? Then you don’t need to micromanage, just ask for updates. If you micromanage, then your proactive team is no longer going to stay proactive. Frankly being someone who is always on the go and always getting things done well ahead of time, I hate it when someone else micromanages me. It makes me wonder, does this person despite KNOWING ME, really think that I’m not going to get said task done?? This person doesn’t respect me as an ethical worker, I don’t know if I want to work with them anymore.  Of course you have to ask yourself, is your team lazy and NOT proactive? Then figure out how much your team is going to do, and at that point you may have to micromanage a little. But once again, ONLY if it’s necessary, KNOW YOUR TEAM.

Ultimately you have to respect people the way you want them to respect you. And if you can’t respect them, then don’t expect them to respect you. You may have their well wishes for a short amount of time, but with repeat offenses, you’ll lose workers, and you’ll lose friends.

Of course there are non-sense people in this world who sometimes you do after a while have to ask to “hold on a second”. But usually you’ve spent countless hours offering multiple logical explanations before having to tell them to be quiet. This is also part of leadership cause sometimes, you do have to tell people to back off… but you have to know WHEN.

Know when to listen, know when to lead, know when and how to make a decision. When working with a group of people logical explanations are a MUST. Respect is a MUST. You MUST listen, you must NOT interrupt, get angry, cut someone off until you’ve heard their entire statement. And once you’ve heard their statement, if you don’t agree, explain WHY you don’t agree. And if multiple people don’t agree with you, then… it doesn’t hurt to sit down and try to see it from their point of view, no matter how correct you think you are.

Unless of course, you want to eventually be leader of no one.

The most annoying question in the world

So I think I’ve found one of the most irritating things a person can ask someone else.

“Why are you behaving like that” or something along those lines.

Okay, given there are some mental lunatics amongst all of us who really DO do things for no reason, and I personally do know someone like that. Their behavior stems from either unprovoked insecurity or they’re actually medically mentally unstable. There are also people who do things because they purposely enjoy and get satisfaction from ruining someone else’s life… or they’re addicted to spinning tales and pitting people against each other to create drama. I recently, over the past couple of years, have been unfortunate enough to meet people like that. And then you wonder, how is it possible for people SO nasty to exist? I mean, growing up, I couldn’t have even imagined such nasty minded/behaving people if I tried.

But most of the time if someone is being angry, or sour it’s because there is a provoked reason. Usually provoked by one of the people mentioned above, or someone who is so utterly selfish and up over themselves (like WAY too much into their own self) that they cannot see anything past their own nose, which by the way, is so high up in the air. Talk about snooty selfish brats.

So naturally, when someone does something horrible to me, or has a complete disregard for anyone else’s needs it makes me angry. Naturally. I mean, you’d be mad too if someone just trampled all over you just to make themselves happy. I mean, I have the PERFECT few extremely basic examples.

The first example is when someone goes OUT of their way to absolutely ruin a major event in someone’s life. I’m talking, graduation, baby/child events, WEDDINGS. These things happen ONCE in a lifetime. So to take someone’s special moment away and make it ALL about your own selfish self…. or you purposely try to crash it and make it a depressing event rather than a joyous one, oh my god I hope your equivalent moment is JUST as horrible. Oh and you better hope your special moment isn’t in some way dependent on me.

Second example, when I know it’s someone’s birthday, I go out of my way to at least try to make sure that person is happy on that day. Whether that’s a midnight surprise, a bday dinner, a facebook/instagram birthday post, or just showering them with happy birthday messages … at the very least I try really hard to NEVER upset someone on their birthday. Cause that’s just not cool. It only comes once a year. On the other hand, while I don’t have expectations from the general population, I do have expectations from certain folks who are very close to me. And I don’t mean throw me a HUGE EXPENSIVE party. I just mean don’t upset me. I mean as we get older, I don’t think any of us feel like it’s that special of a day… frankly it’s not that exciting anymore. But at the VERY VERY LEAST… you really shouldn’t upset someone on their birthday. Like whether it’s important anymore or not, you really shouldn’t make someone cry on their birthday because you think it’s all about you. Whatever, I mean its cool cause luckily my husband is freaking awesome and made sure my b-day was too by inviting all my friends over for a midnight surprise.

However lets come back to the main point. When person A does something bad, unexpected, horrible, mean, selfish… it’s GOING to piss person B off. And then when that person A asks person B, in that EXTREMELY IRRITATING WHINY VOICE, “But why are you all pissed off for no reason?”. Wait, did you seriously just say NO REASON.

I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation before. And we’re baffled. It’s like, wait… you just did something to make me miserable… and then you have the nerve to victimize yourself and ask me why I am being MEAN to YOU? How about we get that snooty nose out of the air, and use our brains to figure out just why I may be behaving the way I am? Cause 10/10 times I’m not just up and pissy for no reason.

I firmly believe in not keeping parasites around. Parasites meaning BP raising people who you have no need for, no dependency on, and they’re only in your life because you allow them to be. Blood or not, the second someone starts leeching, taking from you and giving you nothing but irritation and frustration, and making you a negative person… that person has GOT to go. And anyway, 9/10 times, they’re of subpar intelligence… so they won’t be capable of thinking anyway. It’s like trying to argue with a wall.

Life is too short for it to be filled with nasty people. Seriously.

When my heart breaks.

Today I’ve been feeling a little bit weird. Couldn’t place my finger on it… but when I finally did, my eyes just watered up and I had every emotion and drive to cry. I came home from work at midnight feeling so spent, but it wasn’t because of work. Today my mind was on my best and/or close friends. And I’m talking about from the past.

Today I had a brief reconnection with someone I haven’t spoken to in nearly 2 years, and I realized that it felt like I didn’t even know this person at all. It felt like I was meeting this person for the first time in my life. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. And I really wanted to say something nice or meaningful, but it almost felt like saying something meaningful to someone who is a stranger and probably doesn’t care to hear what you have to say. Someone who chose to walk out of your life because that was the most appropriate decision at that time. At first I didn’t care, but then I scrolled all the way up to the top of our facebook conversation for the hell of it. 3 years ago, the first time we became friends. As I started reading through the conversation, I laughed, those memories from a different lifetime came gushing into my mind and for a brief moment I was transported back to that time. And then all of a sudden I had a sob that was making it’s way up from my chest… I swallowed it back down. This was a brief friendship, but still a close one at that time. It made me wonder how you can go from being such good friends to behaving like strangers in a blink of an eye.

But that was nothing.

This conversation led me to do something I’ve been dreading for months and months maybe even years at this point. I finally had the guts to go see my at one point ultimate best friend’s history with me. And I mean we spent every waking moment together for 2 years. This person was the ONLY person outside my blood family that I have ever loved and cared for so much, but just not romantically. My best friend. The person I could talk to, be silly in front of, buy a pet fish with. I don’t know. The most important person alive to me at one point of time. I literally could not go 5 minutes without having something to say to this person. I don’t even know why I’m sitting here writing a paragraph trying to explain our friendship cause I can’t. Needless to say, my best friend was literally … like my best friend soul mate, minus the romantic interest.

Anyway I’m guessing you get the point. We were attached at the hip. So now I’ll tell you, I haven’t spoken to him really in 2 years. And when he first started distancing himself from me (which was the appropriate thing to do given the circumstances, as my life was going through some major landmark changes) I literally was so heartbroken, I don’t even think I cared so much after ending any romantic relationships. All of a sudden the person I told everything to, leaned on, fought for, fought with, defended, got defended by etc was gone. So tonight when I finally went back and looked through our history, notes, emails, fb messages silly things… I did cry, and it felt good to get it out. Those memories that were so precious were also so freaking painful.

I’ve come to realize that a best friend can be replaced by no one. Of course people can have multiple best friends, but thats a different story.

I realized that breaking up with your best friend is like a million times more heart breaking than breaking up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or maybe even going through a divorce.

A relationship ends because two people are angry, or fighting, or don’t get along anymore, or don’t meet each other’s needs. Physical satisfaction? Emotional? Is one party becoming jealous and behaving weird? I don’t know. Ultimately you become one another’s problems. Distance. Feelings go away.

But a bestfriendship occurs with no limitations. There are no rules. That person doesn’t become your problem because there is no romance or jealousy involved. That person is the person you GO to with all your problems, stories, when you just need someone to have a good time with. Hell, when you need someone to pick a fight with for no reason. The person you can speak to freely about anything. #Freedomofspeechandgossip.

I’ll say it’s generally taken me maybe a week to get over romantic situations. But with friends…It’s been 2 years and both of the above mentioned situations instantly brought me to tears. Cause it doesn’t feel like a break up it feels like someone died and even if you wanted to, you can never see them, touch them, or hear their voice again. And that’s always more haunting.

I’ll still never understand how you can go from being such SUCH close friends, to something worse and far more distant than strangers… in the blink of an eye.

Achy hearts and our minds…

The past few days have been really strange for me. I realize that as you get older and after some huge life decisions (which are pretty much a point of no return) the past isn’t really a place, an option, in which you can live. Various parts of our past are stored in all these locked doors that we make the choice to open once in a while… and sometimes we don’t want to open a particular door because behind it just lays grief from a happy memory. But we can’t help it because like an overfilled closet it just pops open by itself. And once that door pops open a little bit… then it’s like an itch that you just HAVE to itch.

And then those memories flow in with no mercy. You don’t want to remember but you do. You try to block out those memories but the harder you block them out the stronger they vividly push back into your mind. I think a  bigger “closet space” would do… but how to get that bigger closet space? I guess the solution would be if your present was so much more awesome than the past… then the past’s closet space would be so big that memory would be almost forgotten?

However, when that particular aspect of your life was a happier in the past than it is in your present… you can’t help but go to that place. But thinking about that happy time is sometimes extremely heartbreaking.

I think today people would say I am in a fairly accomplished place. Degree, Job, Marriage, Young, Successful. But sometimes I wonder if I suffocated myself by moving through life so fast just to feel accomplished at a young age. Today I finally opened one of those doors, of the forbidden past, after days of fighting it of trying to pretend like it didn’t exist… I opened the door. And it left me in tears. Tears that I never shed when I should have. I realized that by locking that door and not addressing the issue when the issue was in the present… I did not help myself at all.

I sobbed over all of the people who were once SO important to me in my life… the people who ACTUALLY meant something to me, the people who I would have trusted my life with, and for whom I would have given my life for. The people I loved with all my heart and soul. Whether it was death… or other circumstances that took these people out of my life… I realized that no matter how much I deny, pretend, try to forget and lock behind doors… These people no matter how far away they’ve gone from my life… are people I will ALWAYS love. So my message is to those of you… and hopefully you all know who you are and what kind of place you held in my heart, dead or alive, not family or family:

I will always love you. No matter how much you might have hurt me, angered me, confused me, abandoned me. No matter what you may have said to me or perhaps what I may have done or said to you… none of those things matter. When I close my eyes I truly only remember all the fond memories I had with you, and my heart absolutely shatters to pieces to know those memories are forever gone, I’m sorry you are no longer a major part of my life, and only God knows what I would give to have each of you back in that special space, place, and time with me. My heart right now, aches for you, it longs for you. No matter where I go in life or what I do…I truly will always love you.

When it seems like you’re surrounded

This is not a religious talk so hear me out…

यदा यदा हि धर्मस्य ग्लानिर्भवति भारत ।अभ्युत्थानमधर्मस्य तदात्मानं सृजाम्यहम्
Yada yada hi dharmasya glanirbhavati bharata
Abhythanamadharmasya tadatmanam srijamy aham

परित्राणाय साधूनां विनाशाय च दुष्कृताम् । धर्मसंस्थापनार्थाय सम्भवामि युगे युगे
Paritranaya sadhunang vinashay cha dushkritam
Dharmasangsthapanarthay sambhabami yuge yuge

Whenever and wherever there is a decline of righteousness and a predominance of unrighteousness, I manifest myself upon the earth
For the protection of those who are good and destruction of those who are bad, and to establish righteousness, I come from time to time.

Of course these are lines from the Bhagwad gita – the hindu scriptures, but hear me out. I think this applies to everyone.

I think this world consists of humans (obviously). Over the course of their journey on this earth, they make decisions. Whether a decision is believed to be bad or good obviously is dependent on how people interpret a situation,  what their upbringing was, and what one’s morals and values are. But at the end of the day – I think we all agree that there are some basic characteristics that make a person bad. Greed, selfishness, lying, cheating, being power-hungry to the extent that you cause hurt to others, having a desire to inflict pain on others or simply being okay with hurting others for your own benefit are some of the characteristics of monstrous folks. In my language – they are called Rakshas (monsters or demons).

Of course when we think about religions – each religion has a prophet or SOMEONE who came to the earth at a time when bad seemed to prevail, when people were acting more like demons and less like god, more barbaric and less civilized. These prophets, messengers, avatars (forms) of god, whatever you want to call them were then born and tried to make the world a better place with their teachings. This is a common theme across all religions.

In religion when we think about the “prophets” or “close to god” humans who are still spoken of today in tales or mythology, they were all simply pure souls, great people who fought for the world to be a righteous place again. And it seems that the more pure and selfless they were, the more they were all surrounded by horrendous people. Monstrous personalities that were greedy and selfish. Personalities that just wanted to get their disgusting hands on whatever they wanted, even if it didn’t belong to them. Selfish power hungry people who would stomp on anyone in their path.

But if we stray from the topic of religions, these verses still apply to each and every one of us. The world today is yet again filled with such people. People who are negative, who want to destroy you, want to exploit you for their own benefit. People who pretend to love you purely to suck the life out of you, to use you, to get what they can out of you, and then toss you to the side as if you never existed. Look at all the selfish hate inspiring leaders around the world, look at the rampant racism, hate, terrorism. No one, no longer, sits down and tries to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

Sometimes life feels hard. You wonder… despite trying to be such a good person… how is it possible that you are surrounded by so many horrible people who try to exploit you, who take you for granted, who abuse your existence. People who bark when something goes wrong, but fail to acknowledge anything good that you do for them. At those times just remember… humans are given free will to behave the way they want to behave…But at the end of the day – this is all just a form of energy and energy naturally goes towards a state of disorder. Its called entropy. People, their behaviors, its only natural for them to gravitate towards negativity and chaos. And that is when good is born. When it feels like everyone around you is scummy muck feeding off of negativity, and you wonder why you were ever placed in a position where you would have to be stuck with them – remember that good makes an appearance to destroy evil. Remember that perhaps you are such a good person that you have been strategically placed (by nature) amongst evil to destroy it or bring it back to the light from the dark side. To teach the meaning of being good. To teach the meaning of love, trust, honesty. To teach those rakshas that when someone trusts, blindly trusts, unconditionally loves, whatever the situation may be… that they shouldn’t take advantage of it or take it for granted.

I posted the other day that life is too short – you don’t know when you’re gonna be here… and when you won’t. Life is too damn short for anyone else really to be a Rakshas. Love feels much better than selfish greed. I promise. Don’t be a demon… because we all have the choice to not be one. Bad things are always easy, good things are what take time and effort. Try to use childlike instincts to detect whats right and wrong because those instincts are the most pure and the most clear.

And when you’re fed up of being surrounded by people who are abusing the privilege of being around you… don’t lose heart. Remember they’re around you because they have much to learn from you. You are their opportunity at becoming a better person.

I think thats what the above verses truly mean to me. Don’t let bad tarnish you if you know what you’re doing is right… but rather try to add a splash of purity, beauty, good to the murky scene. After all.. look at a Lotus, beautiful and pure, it does emerge from swampy water.

Fear of the Unknown, and Uncontrollable

As I lay in bed all day after a horrible and frightening morning followed by an extremely fatigued and weak feeling day I can’t help but think about how much we take for granted on a day to day basis.

I won’t go into detail about what it was that happened, I’ll just say I was feeling quite sick… the feeling took hours to pass but in that time there was so much pain I temporarily went deaf from the pain (literally I could almost barely hear… my husband standing next to me as I fell to the ground speaking in a loud panic filled voice… and I could barely hear him), I couldn’t move or walk due to the pain, I felt paralyzed… and then I broke out into a cold sweat. My entire body was numb, a strange sensation, worse than nausea, spread through my body quickly… and places that never sweat were pouring sweat. My arms.. my legs… it was as if I was taking a shower … in my own sweat. And right then… as I almost passed out … laying on the bathroom tile in a puddle of my own sweat, I started realizing how much we take for granted.

At that moment I had the most disturbing thoughts. I fear death, I see death all around me in the hospital, I become paranoid because I think to myself… man… anything can happen at any moment. I pray before I sleep, I pray when I wake up… heck I pray every single time I sit in my car to drive because I’m so scared by the things I see happening around me on a day to day basis… and I’m only 25. Am I too young to have already seen so much sickness and death in the past 2 years?

But at that moment, as I lay there paralyzed by immense pain and nausea in my puddle of sweat, deaf. I thought to myself, that I would be accepting of even death if it came at that moment.

We take so much for granted. Our hearing, our ability to move. Our ability to live a happy life without pain. Feeling energetic, feeling full and content. In a brief moment all these things were robbed from me. With each violent heave of nausea that just WOULDN’T turn into vomit – my ribs hurt, my body felt like it was falling apart.

I realize how much we all complain on a day to day basis. How many little nit picky things we complain about. How much we put others down when we can just… let it go and mind our own business. As I recover, I realize that so many people are permanently stuck in the position that I was stuck in for maybe 3-4 hours.

Another thing that scares me is that we don’t know… we don’t know when our body is going to flip out. We can’t open ourselves and look inside and say oh hey… this seems to be not functioning right lets fix it before it screws up. The unexpected occurs and we have no control over it. Today when I was writhing in pain there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it. I couldn’t make it stop I couldn’t make it go away I had to just take the blows and wait for them to pass.

I had no idea how long it would take for this episode to pass. In the past where it was usually over in 30mins – 1hr… today it lasted for close to 3-4 hours. It made me feel angry, I cried but crying just made it worse. It made me feel helpless.

Yes. We have absolutely no control over what is going to happen to our bodies and when and how long its going to last. So when our bodies are cooperating and not trying to kill us… perhaps we should be a little more conscious of that. A little more grateful. A little more thankful. And instead of focusing on the negativities… perhaps when we’re in control we should work on being happier.

I know I’m far from being that perfect positive person…I do take my body for granted, I do take my health for granted… I admit it. I think a lot of people would admit it.

But every time something like this happens it slaps some potential reality into me. It helps me stop taking things for granted (even if for a brief period of time).

You never know who is gonna be around, and when someone is going to go. You never know when you’re gonna be around… and when you’re going to go. We take simple things for granted but shouldn’t we try to stop?

Just think about it.