Will I ever…

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be capable of being the same person I was 5… maybe 10 years ago. It doesn’t seem like it but I know that it felt good to be that person… I had a very decisive head on my shoulders.

In some ways of course I think I am…. but in other ways I often wonder if my ability to deal has diminished. I wonder if my ability to keep caring to trying has diminished. It suddenly feels so much easier to cut negativity out. Before where I would care so deeply and be so affected by the most trivial things it now almost feels like I could cut off my own arm without flinching. (This is a figure of speech I would be miserable without my arm).

Is it maturity? Is it working in the medical field?

…or is it because these past few years I lost my innocence… when life took it from me…?

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What….?

Hey all! Btw today was my 4 year anniversary with my work… and I spent it in the Emergency room (working).

Anyway recently I came across a case that I’ve been thinking about…

Keeping Hipaa in mind… I’ll spell out the situation in minimal words

teenagers (Too young to drive), drinking and driving. What?

Naturally get into trouble… end up arrested and in the hospital. While in the hospital… most of them continue to act up… one of them literally repeatedly calling the nurse “a bitch cause she won’t let me pee yet”.

If I was less than or equal to 15 years old and arrested for underage drinking and illegal driving I would be SO SCARED. First scared for my future… also scared like hell of what would happen when my parents found out. I mean sure kids do stupid things but when they get into trouble with the police …. wouldn’t that be a good time to stop being stupid? Unfortunately at this degree of bad behavior … I can do nothing but think it has to be the result of a horrible upbringing. How do these people exist? How do these parents exist?? It was so upsetting to sit there and watch these basically babies behaving in such a disgusting manner. I honestly hope they get disciplined the way an adult would … if nothing else than just to put fear into them so to make sure they didn’t do it again.

but the truth they’re probably not going to get more than a slap on the wrist. Which is sad. Cause they could have killed someone out there.

2018 – all you beautiful people

Recently I was expecting people to be super judgmental. Instead I was so surprised by the love and support that people – old friends, new friends, close friends, and acquaintances all showed.

I have to say my faith in humanity is restored. Of course, restoration began October of 2017 when one of my best friends took my hand (figuratively) and told me everything was going to be great… and then proceeded to make sure things really were great. But that’s my best friend, my hero, heroes by default make sure everything is great. Of course, I don’t discredit that at all because it was the biggest thing someone could do for another person, and I’ll forever be indebted… but I have to say that the community coming together and showing their love and support was so overwhelming.

You’re all beautiful people, and you all are a reminder that this world is still a beautiful place.

Thank God this world is still a beautiful place.

Thank you all for being here.

 

Those who talk a lot

Ok so everyone who knows me knows I’m a chatterbox. I love to talk, I love to be inclusive, and I am open to talk to literally anyone about anything. Elderly grandparents, young children, parents, friends … there’s no barrier. Sometimes even strangers assuming a safe setting.

Its funny how many people have something to say about people who talk a lot. But you know what? If speaking from my own internal mind experience, I speak for all of us… I’m going to say that those people who make conversation and like to talk are also the most friendly, inviting, loving, and most times honest. Things just fly out of our mouths before we’ve had time to filter them. You won’t ever feel that snooty aire of a superiority complex when interacting with us. No matter who you are you’ll get love and respect… and honesty. There really are no secrets or wondering what is going on in our minds.

But sometimes when I’m chatting away, or texting… (and yes sometimes my texts get long when I’m really excited about something I’ve thought of)…. the other person doesn’t really reply. Sometimes it’s just their personality – they’re not texters and that’s fine. But sometimes it just gets kind of embarrassing. Cause then the self doubt immediately begins… did I just talk a lot? Is that person judging me or laughing at me or annoyed of me?

And then it makes me not want to talk much in general at all. I mentally smack myself and say, “Sayli why do you talk so much every single time?”. Kinda gives me an inferiority complex which really shouldn’t be happening. But then what? I mean if I stopped talking then I’d be silencing my own voice… changing my personality…. not being me…

…Right?

The Day Changing Smile

Isn’t it funny?… You could be tired, angry, busy, stressed… or heck bored and empty thought-ed at a given moment…. but the smile of a loved one instantly brings a smile onto your own face.

I have a smile like that to think about every single day. Someone’s smile that even upon closing my eyes and drawing up in my memory… makes me feel happy and warm on the inside. Any sort of frustration or negativity instantly eliminated. It’s a gentle smile. Not loud… it’s warm. It’s loving. More than the lips… the smile is seen in the eyes. Eyes which crinkle ever so slightly turning downward on the outer edge. Kindness oozes from those honey brown eyes as they look at the object or person that’s bringing them pleasure. A soft smile that makes the person being seen feel loved and respected. A smile that shows the world who that person is at the core. No matter what this person may portray their personality as to the world… this smile shows who they are deep inside…all layers stripped off. A vulnerable side… that feels safe coming out in a safe loving environment.

It’s the smile I’ve been looking forward to seeing that got me up and functioning this morning on 2 hours of sleep 😉☺️

This is the power and magic of the smile of a loved one 🤗

Reflected – Poetry

Poetry

Reflected
——–
“Hello,” I said, “I am me!”
“Yes” she said, “I am too… you see…”
I laughed because that was hard to believe
She looked absolutely nothing like me

“If you were me you’d be standing up, strong!”
“But that is exactly where you are wrong…”
“But your face is all splotchy, wet, eyes red!”
“Well what do you expect when I feel hollow and dead…”

“Then you’re definitely not me, I’m happy and free!”
“Pardon me,” she said “I’m going to disagree…”
“I don’t mean to be rude or mean or blunt…”
“But perhaps your carefreeness is just a front…”

Irritation overcame me, “How dare you!” I cried
My eyes were now fiery – enraged and wide,
“You’re meant to copy me, nothing more!”
“You’re to mimic my actions, down to the core!”

As I stood towering over her I began to yell,
Whether she’d listen or not, I couldn’t yet tell…

“Get off the ground, you get up now!”
“How do I do that?” she begged, “Tell me how…!”
“Wipe those tears and and stand up tall!”
“I won’t tolerate this sitting and curling up into a ball!”

Amidst all the arguing, refusing to accept her as my own…
I suddenly became aware – I was sitting on the ground alone.
——–
Sayli Natu 4/24/18

*inspired by an interesting conversation I had yesterday with an apparently equally philosophical new friend. Does a mirror reflect only whats physical? Or does it in fact reflect what’s on the inside, accurately, though you may not realize it till you look… only noticing any changes when you fail to recognize the person looking back at you?

And All The Love

As I sit here contemplating on my place in my community… my world – I have to say that generally, I’ve tried my best to continue being a good person, and keep spreading love despite all the things that have weighed me down. Pleasantly, over the past few months I’ve noticed something that I failed to see before.

Previously, I kept focusing on one person, and that person’s negative impact on my life. I failed to notice all the wonderful people around me who were making a positive impact. I failed to notice that I had a home in the hearts of so many of the people around me.

Frankly, I don’t know where I will be in a year. But in several discussions I was surprised to see how many people were affected, saddened, or upset at the mention of me hypothetically leaving this home. Many said “don’t even think about it”, one went so far as to slap me on the wrist for “saying absurd things”.

At work, I’ve received hugs from my coworkers, simply cause they hadn’t seen me in a week. I have wonderful techs that leave chocolates or coffee on my desk when I didn’t even ask for them. Apparently the way I treat them was impactful enough that the behavior was reciprocated.

I noticed that people loved me too. Through it all, where I had come to believe that my self confidence had shattered and I was better off in my shell – I had somehow managed to remain someone worthy of being loved by the people around me.

This life has by no means been an easy one. And there was a point where I felt so dejected and horrified by the demons of the world that I just didn’t want to be in the same world where they existed. I didn’t want to breathe the same air. But lately, since I’ve been focusing on all the love that is around me, I realized that  good still exists, love still exists… and this world is totally still worth living in.

The only thing that needed to change was my perspective. I had to change who and what situations I was focusing on. I had to change who and what I gave importance to. And when I did that, I found myself much happier.

Needless to say, existing and spreading love is the only way to be one more person making a difference in the world.

Be good, do good, and see the good returned.✌🏼

Stand. By. Me

As women we face so many hardships just EXISTING. Seriously it’s like the universe hates women. Whether it’s our own bodies traumatizing us on a monthly basis or dealing with the male dominated world… we persevere… we manage to keep surviving, staying strong, and getting through each day seemingly effortlessly. Being a female is NOT easy… so what makes it worse is when people think they can sit around making this difficult existence even MORE difficult.

Lets take gender out of the equation for a second and just focus on the fact that we are all just human. Some people have gone through WAY more hardships than we can even begin to imagine. Loss, abuse, hurt, neglect… don’t even begin to fill the list. Dealing with such situations, overcoming them… and trying to get on with life is a HUGE achievement… so anyone who likes to be silly and poke fun… and sure this happens in friendship… but know your limits. Every person is sensitive… just because you’re privileged and haven’t had to deal with these things doesn’t mean you get to be insensitive. Know what is too much… know what jokes go too far… you never know when your seemingly harmless words are going to push another person to the edge. When someone says stop… STOP. It’s not funny.

Dealing with anxiety and mental health issues is the most traumatic thing a person can go through. It’s so abstract you can’t put some ointment on it and cover it with a bandaid. It creeps up on you, the more you try to distract yourself the more it pushes its way into your thoughts, your brain. If someone got hit by a car with multiple broken bones, profusely bleeding… would you walk up to them and then start beating them up even more? Spitting on them? Kicking them? NO! You’d call 911 or help! So it’s not okay to verbally beat up someone who has mentally been through hell and back. What kind of barbaric person would do that??

Now back to females and males. If you’re a male and claim to “stand by women” and support women and praise women’s strength on a public platform… you better be doing so in private as well. Being one thing to the world and then turning around and privately making inappropriate/hurtful/harmful/vulgar comments is SO not cool. If you’re gonna stand by someone publicly… you better stand by them privately as well.

As a woman I say, if you’re gonna stand by me… do it completely… if you’re a hypocrite… don’t stand by me at all. Peace ✌️

L.O.V.E ?

L.O.V.E

What is that feeling exactly? I don’t really know if there’s a spelled out definition… but I do know in a nutshell how it should feel.

Love shouldn’t hurt. Ever. It should never feel suffocating, it should never feel like something you want to run away from. It should never feel like a repetitive cycle of negativity. Everything related to love should feel good. Or rather amazing. When Love is around… there should never be even a moment of doubt regarding whether you want it or not.

Love should be where your preference lies. It’s what you’ll choose in your sleep every single time. Even when something bad happens… a fight, negativity…. your temperament might temporarily get affected but love will never get affected.

Love (not infatuation) should really feel like a high. It does feel like a natural high. It should leave you flustered and blushed. And despite the ups and downs… you continue to feel in love… continue to fall in love every day… time and time again just like you did the first time.

Love gives you butterflies… every single time… regardless of whether it’s been a week, a month, 5 months, or many years. Yes, butterflies are real. And they’re not temporary.

Love makes you want to sacrifice for another, love makes you want to compromise, it makes you want to support and take care of another. Love is the only power in the world that gives one the ability to shed their identity and accept a new identity, to become the new identity despite having the old identity for decades.

Love is a real thing. It ALWAYS feels good. Even in a blah situation… it feels comfortable… it feels good. If it doesn’t feel good… it’s not love.

So make sure it feels good. It feels healthy. It makes you thrive and doesn’t kill you.

L.O.V.E

Privilege

Privilege. Something someone has… something that could be taken away.

Being loved by someone is a privilege. And so many people take it for granted. Being loved, feeling loved, just knowing that there is someone out there who wants to be with you, wants to hug you, take care of you, wants to be taken care of by you. There’s someone out there whose world revolves around you… who is in awe of you… adores you, admires you… who would stand up for you… and hold your hand in the toughest of times. Knowing there’s someone out there for whom you are not replaceable… cause trust me you’re replaceable to most rest of the world. There’s someone out there to whom your words and actions mean something. And knowing no matter how you behave they still love you, still want to be there for you, still would give an arm and a leg for you. So many people just assume they’re entitled to love when they’re getting it.

I’m sorry but does anyone actually realize that there are people out there who would be grateful to experience even 1% of the love mentioned above? There are people out there who have had to beg for love, love that they deserved…and still never got. People out there who are so depressed from neglect, hurt, and emotional abuse that they literally cry alone and have NO ONE to comfort them. To help them feel better. Has anyone actually sat down and thought about how that would feel?? One loving gesture means the world to someone who has experienced neglect.

Neglect. That feeling is so hurtful I don’t wish it on anyone. I don’t think any neglected person could describe the feeling even if they wanted to. It’s a feeling that can’t be described… and only those who have suffered it would understand how it feels.

So be grateful if someone loves you. Because while maybe you wouldn’t understand the feeling… trust me, Love is a privilege. Something that shouldn’t be taken for granted.